my boyfriend is more ambitious than me

tl;dr: I'm very ambitious and I feel like my boyfriend of 3 years, who lacks ambition, is holding me back (not willing to move out of his parents' house, look for a graduate job etc). We're both in school. What if some catastrophe happened and you lost your salary? Look no further than Dear Life Kit. By rejecting non-essential cookies, Reddit may still use certain cookies to ensure the proper functionality of our platform. He was raised with more of a strict parental control. Anjelika Temple, Founding Partner Of Brit + Co, Whats On My Desk? If were talking the newish construction single family homes that are up to code for a rooftop deck, thats easily a million plus. We were once very close, but the bottom fell out after a culmination of my feeling mistreated and being used, Read More I Resent My Sisters PregnancyContinue, A couple years ago I had a serious problem with using some hard drugs (cocaine and MDMA mainly). I would want someone more interesting than that. At a minimum you want to switch to part-time work when you have kids, and as you write it, your real preference seems to be to not work for two years (and it tends to become more, with more than one child). Why? Because I feel confident in my boyfriends ability to land a higher-paying job and advance professionally (despite his apparent lack of urgency to do so), I remain optimistic. LW, you also say your boyfriend has great hobbies, passions, and interests. We also have open discussions on how to save money as a team and that our jobs dont define us. He supports us both and its all good. This is Reddit's very own solution-hub. Reddit, Inc. 2023. Cookie Notice For more information, please see our Those are huge things to try to change. New comments cannot be posted and votes cannot be cast. I made great money. CNN In a headline that calls out for attention - "A Gender Reversal on Career Aspirations" - the Pew Research Center reports that two-thirds of young women now say "being successful in a. I've been working everyday since I graduated university 3 years ago. People who make 140k arent twice as happy as people who make 70k, on average. We talk about finances, responsibilities, expectations, last will and testaments, and more. Your email address will not be published. Will Your Boyfriend's Lack of Motivation Drag You Down? - She Blossoms Youre right to worry about all the responsibilities falling on you. Anyway, otherwise generally agree with others that LW is prematurely filling in the blanks and making a lot of assumptions here. /r/Relationships is a community built around helping people and the goal of providing a platform for interpersonal relationship advice between redditors. Relationship & Dating Blog | How to Get The Guy Published date: 03.12.14 Ambition as we all know is a universally attractive trait. on multiple occasions, he has admitted that he has a very laidback attitude towards life, but i don't see him making any solid changes either. Just be honest. I was a missing person for six weeks and was physically and mentally abused and ruined. And what you think youre looking for in a guy maybe isnt it. She sat down with me to talk more about the near-death incident that led her to drastically revamp her life (and career) and dishes on how ambitious women can honor both their drive and desire to . When I was dating, I was more educated than and out-earned a lot of the men I went out with and that was never an issue for me. He just wants me to be happy, which I love, but I need him to find purpose too, without feeling pushy or ridiculous for wanting him to have something going in life. I would consider gaming like drugs, gambling or porn in excess, too much can create a problem. Not to mention, its all a moot point until she actually talks to her boyfriend about how he envisions his life playing out. I hate that I have turned to the internet for this, but I really need some advice. He took the academic and free-spirit route. I dont think it sounds like theyre in a costly urban area at all if $600K can buy them a four bedroom house with a yard and rooftop. I have friends who did this because she made more than he did, so it made sense that he give up his job and stay home with the kids. I've been finishing up a bachelor's and working part-time, so after graduation, I'm going to go home and work as an EMT while I take a few more classes at a community college so I can apply to PA school. Youve managed to create a life for yourself in which you could theoretically cut your hours in half and still make more money than many full-time workers. Even during university we were together all five years and I never thought to be jealous of his better grade or project then mine. he makes big plans about how he's got everything covered by i only hear words and see no actions. Sometimes the things you want when you are single (monetary driven) arent really important when you meet the right person. I am not sure what to do- I know it is his life and he will figure it out, but I can't help but feel anxious about our future when this is the way things are going now. I learned that things can change a lot over time, including your perspective on the value of a dollar. Reddit, Inc. 2023. And just because one is earning more than another at one point in time, doesnt mean that will be the case forever. Smile and show that you're understandingif it's just not a match, the best thing to do is to accept the other person's choice. 2. Given how well hes done, Id have to be very lucky to match his salary going forward, even though we are in the same industry and I arguably have better academic credentials. In the study of 105 men, researchers laid out several scenarios. In each episode, we pose one of your most pressing questions to an expert. Reddit and its partners use cookies and similar technologies to provide you with a better experience. come to those who sign up for our emails. However, an unhappy marriage would definitely make both home miserable. Youre still in the getting-to-know-each-other stage, and this is when these kinds of questions should start coming up more and more. At the end of the day, whether you are the more successful one in the relationship, or whether people justthinkyou are, it doesnt mean anything. But beyond that, what kind of life does he envision sharing with his partner and these kids? While it may. By rejecting non-essential cookies, Reddit may still use certain cookies to ensure the proper functionality of our platform. More ambitious than my boyfriend, concerned we have different live Is this a form of avoidance that's helping him get through the day? I also find it kind of odd that they havent discussed finances in detail, yet LW knows his salary but he doesnt know hers. Sign up for our newsletter, ABOUT| CONTACT|PRIVACY TERMS|AFFILIATE DISCLOSURE, Copyright 2016,Girl Daily Media LLP. Reddit and its partners use cookies and similar technologies to provide you with a better experience. How to Respond When Someone Says You Deserve Better (Does It - wikiHow Sometimes two people who truly love each other are . Life has a really funny way of taking your very strict plans and totally fucking them up. Starting out, my partner was unemployed or underemployed for years. I know if i truly love someone, i should be able to look past these things and love them for them without wanting to change them, but ambition is a trait that i place a lot of importance on. Im PROUD of my salary. He is educated, hard-working, happy with his life. Coworker might have overheard me talking about them, I Dont Want to Have Sex with My Girlfriend Anymore, Should I Tell My Boyfriend I Drunkenly Kissed Someone Else?, My Husband Isnt Ready to Have a Baby, But Im Becoming Obsessed. We are nearing the end of our graduation and I have been thinking of staying where I am right now or going to hometown to work (both cities are tier1). I'm More Career-Driven Than My Partner. There was a local Jewish school, these parents simply wanted to have their children interact with all sorts of children in public schools. What kind of house (and where)? Source: Pixabay Ambition can be defined as a striving for some kind of achievement or distinction, and involves, first, the desire for achievement, and,. Then he got a good job that led to a fabulous job. By the time we got married he had just finished his degree and gotten a job at 5X his original tiny salary, which sounded like a lot to me at the time but was also moving from small town student life to big city professional life, and honestly didnt take long to feel not as impressive. Should You Date A Less Ambitious Person? A Relationship Expert Started Monday at 12:44 AM. Is LW guessing his salary? And remember that above your own personal opinions of who is more successful, youre trying to build a successful relationship. Just throwing it out there, would the two of you consider him staying home while the kids are young? Instead of questioning how emasculated your boyfriend would feel by having a wife who earns a lot more, think about how YOU would feel having a husband who earns so much less. 5. Does he also want to send them to a private Jewish school? Scan this QR code to download the app now. AND, i should say that she should reevaluate her desire to be supermom. Dont harass your boyfriend to make more money. Read some of the most popular Dear Wendy posts here. Your boyfriend may share these goals! This is a place where you can ask for advice on many subjects. Like him, I'm from an average background, but this has motivated me to want to have a happy, successful life and push myself career-wise. I see why you feel like you're putting more effort into the relationship than he is, but I'm not sure that your boyfriend would agree. Over the years, he has reached to nearly 50X his original salary of when I met him 13 years ago. What to do when I [25F] am much more ambitious than partner [28M]? - Reddit That context of thinking about others puts things in perspective for me. First off, I'm sorry if this doesn't belong here, I posted in relationship_advice but had no luck. Because if hes completely against being the sole breadwinner and realistically needing to change his entire professional course to make you happy, you both need to know that now. Can Your Relationship Survive If You're More Ambitious Than Your You dont have to be exactly the same in every way to contribute equally. newsflash: she doesnt exist. It sounds like you are leading him on and being far less than sufficiently open and honest with him. I feel like he's wasting an opportunity to learn a new skill or [take part in job training programs]. Take a year or two off if you have kids, buy your dream house. You just arent confident whether he has any ambition to do so, and youre worried that if he doesnt have that ambition, he wont be a good long-term match for you. But then the questions would remain: Is your partner going to contribute to the household in the way you want? Surely. I have expressed this feeling to him several times, and the outcome is usually the same.. My husband makes me laugh everyday. Dealing with an Asymmetric Relationship | Psychology Today In each episode, we pose one of your most pressing questions to an expert. Have your own resources so you never find yourself trapped. You really are extremely fortunate in the grand scheme of things. Ok. Then break up with him and see what is on the market! By accepting all cookies, you agree to our use of cookies to deliver and maintain our services and site, improve the quality of Reddit, personalize Reddit content and advertising, and measure the effectiveness of advertising. Maybe its just piling on, but while theres nothing wrong with being ambitious, calling a 3-4 bedroom urban house with patio and rooftop modest is just not accurate. And he should be your biggest cheerleader along the way. Ooh! I am hardworking too, but I am struggling to find my own form of success. But Im concerned about the following, given such a large discrepancy between our finances: 1. My Boyfriend Has No Ambition, and It Bothers Me What Should I Do? The work a person does, the amount they earn, the sort of job which makes them happy and their personal best sense of work/home/life balance are way more than 5% of a person. The funniest part is that we're driven to be smaller than our partner when they're the very reason that we're putting on weight. Save, invest, build a 6 or 7 figure nest with the salary youve got. Thinking it was fine to say because both of us do such different jobs, and because they didnt see all the other paths my boyfriend was following. Wenn Sie Ihre Auswahl anpassen mchten, klicken Sie auf Datenschutzeinstellungen verwalten. Cookie Notice I dont seek an extravagant lifestyle; I want a 3-4 bedroom house with a patio and rooftop (~$600k in our city), I would like to work part-time once I have kids (or maybe even take one to two years off work), and I want to send my kids to a Jewish private school. Karen Bridbord, Ph.D. 5 Min Read. It shouldnt change who pays for meals, how you divide up birthday gifts, who gets the next round at the pub. That isnt fair. But in that case you just have to keep being ambitious, move towards yo. However, in your case, it sounds like this may be less an issue of financial incompatibility and more about figuring out whether you have compatible values (and goals for the future). And if you HAVE seen signs of that, this would be a good time to cut your losses and move on already. Time for talking deep, open talking about what each of you sees in your future as it relates to career, family, money management, and lifestyle. What/who is this supermom that she speaks? She has started talking to a couple of guys, one of whom seems like a great guy; he is older than she is and seems genuinely concerned for her and I think would patiently wait for her to, Read More My Daughter Is Leading on A Guy Who Would Be Perfect for My Other DaughterContinue, I love your advice and hope your no nonsense approach will help guide me through a sticky situation I find myself in. Required fields are marked *. I said I worried about his future even if it's not with me. Life is crazy, chaotic and change happens whether you want it to or not. I would add to Wendys advice that it sounds like youre doing a lot of outlining of what you want your future to be like, and the higher powers dont really like when you do that. LW In fact, the only man I ever dated who paid for everything/outearned me considerably made me feel like I owed him something for the dinners he paid for, which I did NOT like. Your perspective would be greatly appreciated. Why Do I Have to Be Smaller Than My Boyfriend? I have a friend who cares very much about salary, only wants to be with someone who makes well into the six figures, and once dumped a graphic designer she otherwise liked after a few dates because she simply assumed he was a lower earner. LW is looking at him through the lens of where he is NOW and assuming that it will always be this way. Education and hard work were instilled in him from an early age. They do well, but they often have to scramble to find a new position because theyre not going to make their unrealistic number. As long as you can laugh about it, you know youre not taking yourself or the relationship too seriously. Yeah, I assumed it was a moderate or lower COL area meaning $60K as a salary for an educated man, presumably also in his early 30s, isnt really that low. We both support each other professionally because we both understand the pressure and work that goes in. He's mentioned the discrepancy before but says our compatibily personality and goal wise is more important to him. But still, your goal is to help her with her dreams at that moment and not your own. As Wendy says, only time and discussions of his goals and your goals will tell how this will go. And yes, they do have a lot of talking about their future vision and goals to do. He lives at home with his parents, I've been living in a dorm. right now, since we're both young, this lack of ambition won't have any direct implications on me but we are both in this for the long run and i can't see myself being okay with this at a time when we would possibly be building a life together. He is not the father of my kids but he told his current girlfriend that she has no choice in the matter of my kids being in his life and vice versa. I know he is struggling with finding himself, but this is hard for me to accept, when I am on this path with ambitions and goals, while he is working a job and just playing video games in his free time. Arguably, you value the kind of security and comfort that lots of expendable income provides. He is more ambitious and career driven than me : r/dating - Reddit 2 Your situations could change in the future without warning. Also, you can end up with something a lot *better* than what you had in mind if you remain open. Im the majority breadwinner by a substantial amount. And until recently, I didnt think it could ever be a problem. In your mind, there is a big deal-breaker present in your relationship, and you have failed to explicitly mention this to him. Are you sure its your boyfriends resentment youre really worried about? THIS. Right before COVID hit, literally days before, he decides to drop out and move home because college just wasn't for him. Louise Troen, VP Of Marketing At Bumble. After some of his more recent salary gains, I got pretty disappointed as a feminist that I would probably never catch up to his salary level. I would say the number one thing is never to envy your other half. I dont want to emasculate my boyfriend, and I also dont want to wear the pants. I know that marriages in which the woman is the breadwinner are statistically less likely to last. I understand you are questioning finances early on and I did it too. Not everyone thinks the money is worth all of that. Lots can happen. Things that scientifically increase our happiness on the long-term: Finding fulfillments in your life, using your strengths on a regular if not daily basis, maintaining meaningful relationships (spouse, family, friends), remembering to savor the present moment and feeling grateful for the special things we have, privileging special experiences (trips, activities, get togethers) over things (new cars, bigger house, latest gadgets) when financially possible. Your email address will not be published. Or, he feels safe and secure in the job he has. What Are Financial Red Flags In A Relationship? 11 Signs Your Am I just being overly self conscious or is this a red flag? 7 Signs That You'd Be Better Off Ending a Relationship You dont want to end up flattened by an unexpected lay off, firing, medical issue, etc. I dunno, but this letter rubbed me the wrong way too. I'm a pretty ambitious person. I believe this has so much to do . When i am thinking about the decision, I am trying to fit both things, career and my relationship because i really love him very much. January 19, 2017 at 2:52 PM. I'm 22, he's 26, we've been together for almost 2 years. All rights reserved. If shes making this much money and wants to take a couple years to work PT (not at all easy to pull off, sadly, especially in sales), she should put aside a couple years worth of living expenses starting now. If you dont find the info you need in this column, please visit the Dear Wendy archives or the forums (you can even start your own thread), do a search in the search bar, or submit a question for advice at wendy(AT)dearwendy.com. Not everyone wants a high stress job, or even a lot of responsibility, some people just want to go to work somewhere where they feel comfortable and get their excitement in their personal life. and our If ambition is SO important to you, then you could break up with him and try to find someone else. Or hold out for a rich guy, idk what to tell her. Bronson Arcuri is the managing producer and Meghan Keane is the supervising editor. Are you going to resent contributing more both financially AND in home management and childcare? New comments cannot be posted and votes cannot be cast. ", You could also try [joining him in a positive behavior]. Relationship problems that arise when your partner lacks ambition Get on the list My boyfriend [26M] lacks ambition and drive. I [22F] don't "I Make a Lot More Money Than My Boyfriend. Should I - Dear Wendy My boyfriend is more ambitious and career driven compared to me. Spend some time discussing long-term goals with your boyfriend and what kind of joint income would be necessary to finance said goals. Have interest generating that may enable you to go part time when your kids are young. And it can be about roles/expectations too there are women who want the husband to be the primary breadwinner and stay at home meaning his ambitions need to be career directed or they have to agree on lifestyle. Best missy_and_aaron 7 yr. ago Be careful when you say he lacks the ambition you have. I cant follow you, it does sound so shallow. So if youre not getting that support from him to be your best self, you need to have a very honest and clear conversation. So now I ask strangers of reddit- what should I do?? As you learn more about your boyfriend, it might be time for you to unlearn some of your own conceptions. You need to figure out your values align and if hes a team player. For real. My boyfriend and I live together, and we both work from home. Im waffling with how harsh to be because, I mean, its your life and if youre up front and find someone whose cool with busting ass alone to finance your real housewives dream then, go for it? Youre certainly in the hiring-a-nanny wage bracket. But it sounds like gaming is starting to cause problems in your relationship. Partners that live together have been found to put on weight in the first months or years. Would you still be happy living with him and off his lower salary if necessary? 16. But, its possible, right? Scan this QR code to download the app now. I feel that not focussing on the relationship might create distances between us. He was just more goal oriented and driven than I was in general. And ambition? Unfortunately I wasn't as direct, like saying it's unhealthy to stay up until 5 and sleep in until 2 every day or that instead of gaming or browsing reddit all the time he should be finding work to put on a resume. This is also an excellent point. 7 Signs That You'd Be Better Off Ending a Relationship Here are clues that it's time to end your relationship. Theres so much to being a good match beyond financial earnings. there's seemingly no future plans to live together) and his lack of drive and ambition is a bit of a turn-off to me sometimes. ***************Follow along on Facebook, and Instagram. My bf has no plans to look for a graduate-level job because, as far as he's concerned, as long as he has enough money to buy beer and weed at the weekend he's fine. Yesterday my fiancs sons mother passed away unexpectedly. Your email address will not be published. He doesn't like his current low-paying job, but he doesn't know what he wants to do long term. By rejecting non-essential cookies, Reddit may still use certain cookies to ensure the proper functionality of our platform. Dear Life Kit is hosted by Andee Tagle and produced by Beck Harlan and Sylvie Douglis with help from our intern Jamal Michel. I made the mistake of following my college sweetheart to a big city where he was able to grow in his career. Hindsight: focus on what you gotta do. Shes giving her boyfriend zero credit. I've always been very driven, having worked full-time in a well-paid marketing job for a couple of years before heading off to uni for a change of scene. But there are other ways you can have each others backs, supporting them at work events, helping them with tasks that they bring home, it goes both ways of course! I would advise you to be more open to what life has in store for you that might not look exactly like what you think. Also, where I live a 60k salary is just fine. Privacy Policy. Thats enough for me because the happiness I have with him is priceless. New comments cannot be posted and votes cannot be cast. Archived post. You simply cant expect to change people. He is anything but lazy in his hobbies and personal interests, but that ambition doesnt seem to cross over into his career. Apparently, I'm more successful than my boyfriend. Don't expect him to change. Money is nice but a quality person you are compatible with as a companion and life partner is so much more important. You think you can push and change him to become the high earner you seek. I know because my boyfriend is with one, and he sure has a tough time putting up with me. My boyfriend is more accomplished than me, and it makes me insecure? Are YOU? I've voiced this a few times and he half-heartedly agrees, but he never acts on it. A modern guy wont be intimidated by you if youre making more money than him because he knows it means you can get him a killer Christmas present and are getting exactly what you want in life. My sister and I are estranged and have been for almost a decade. The problem is, I love my boyfriend so much that I feel I'm sometimes blinded by it all. For the last two years, he has been working at the same small company in a low-level position, making $60k per year, with no raises or promotions, while paying off student loans. Thanks for this read; its an important part of the discussion to empower women to go for our goals without apologizing. I wish you the best and I really hope you are able to find what you are looking for. Were currently considering a kid and theres a very real chance my husband will be the one to stay home. This letter is very materialistic and entitled. We are partners on a journey together and hes my biggest cheerleader. Are you trying to create a life for them that they don't want? Your boyfriend's perspective will affect your relationship.
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