how to not invite yourself over

Dont demand. I dont live my life in such a way that Im always prepared for unexpected visitors. It shocked me when it happened I am an open-minded person! If you're arranging a larger gathering you can naturally also use a mix of these methods. So then I instinctively want to police myself away from being That Person, etc.). They also make me pretty tired. So no. Its very common for people to recall the past in a way that reflects an idealized world, or at least one that mirrors a happy period in their young life. We both think its only healthy for people in a relationship to have separate social lives as well as social things they do together were not joined at the hip. A "simpler" description of the automorphism group of the Lamplighter group, Sum of a range of a sum of a range of a sum of a range of a sum of a range of a sum of, Tikz Calendar - how to pass argument with '\def'. Then you can say, What are you doing later/tonight/this weekend? and theyll say, Hannibal marathon with X and Y, want to come? or even, I was thinking about heading down to the new brunch place, and you can try something like, Ive been meaning to check that place out! which is not QUITE inviting yourself along but can land you an invitation. My home has to be my sanctuary, and nobody gets inside without my consent given well in advance (hint: 24 hours is short notice to me) I didnt know I was invited! Members of my family have actually used my disorganization as the butt of jokes (probably out of the misguided belief that they can embarrass me into becoming a neat freak), and then they wonder why I refuse to let them into my home. But I also know which of my friends are ok with it and which arent. Enter your email address to follow this blog and receive notifications of new posts by email. And I dont feel badly for talking about fun things with people in my life. What we can do is trust the LWs perception of their own life and their own relationships prior to this point. You know, I was- Or Im burnt out and demand me time just because. Their legs might get tired! Is this something I should be policing in my speech? I used to live in a house with several friends that was considered a party house, so we had random people dropping by all the time, and it was never really locked, as there was always someone there. I have routinely over the last year asked if she were free for me to drop in for a hug when fetching mail (I receive mail in the same building as her office) and thats seemed fine.. They went to it cheerfully! Sometimes she was angry, and Id apologize. I know that shame cleaning exists and I am not trying to make anyone feel bad or shamed and I apologize if I did that. If they don't, they can just say something noncommittal like "sure will be" or "yes." I asked her something along the lines of oh gods, what have you been thinking of me these last months, with all the details and no invite? I mind people seeing things that I put away when I know people are coming. Its what I try to do, thats when the comments about being silly comes in. I think I feel like the confirmation text allows for that while still letting me save face if those fears are realized? We were all night owls, but at least twice visits in the neighborhood were after 11pm. Everyone has different preferences about this, so it can be tricky to figure out what to do in general. How to Politely Decline an Invitation in Any Situation - Reader's Digest The dropping by for a hug comes over as very needy. It seemed like most people of my parents generation that I knew had a living room for visits, and a den for family.). Another general suggestion for times when you are trying to invite yourself over is _never_ assume youre dropping by their space, always ask. But thats not whats being discussed in this subthread the question was raised whether it was a priori needy to stop by someones work to get a hug. Why? But then I worry she will think Im pre-emptively avoiding her. Because she is a flaming poopcake and knows I am likely to say no to 99% of her intrusive bullshit requests. This kind of stuff is hard, but I firmly believe that there are solutions that will make everyone happy without anyone having to feel ashamed of their preference, goddamnit. Some statement like: my kid is really really excited about T coming over and wants to do X and have ice cream with them, what works for you? bro just say "wanna come over and chill?" Read it again. Im okay with that sort of conversation, yet its been my experience that most people are not. I say this, and I am a pretty easy-going person about not being invited to things. I interpreted the person youre responding to as talking about the idea that your house has to be pinterest-worthy before guests can enter it, which I resonated with. *deep breaths* Is this someone Ive invited to my house at one time or another? My house is not actually that much messier than some of my friends who dont mind saying shove over the laundry basket and nudge the books out of your way, welcome to my home. I am not good at dealing with such people. I have this problem, tooI canNOT invite myself somewhere, even if I know the host would be happy to have me. On the right side of the page you should see a list of guests sorted by the following categories: "going," "maybe," and "invited." Search for the individual you would like to uninvite and click the "X" next to that person's name. Ive struggled with that, too. I have two minds about dropping inpartly, I really like it because of my mental issues, I can go from I need to be alone for an undisclosed amount of time to I would feel significantly better with company in a very short amount of time that can foil even the best-laid plans. thats okay. When an unexpected encounter is perceived to threaten someones carefully scheduled world, it doesnt take much for them to fly off the handle. For you, that sort of cleaning might not be based in shame, but it is for others. There are really tough dynamics at play because FAMILY and also because its been going on for years. Me: Goodnight, Britney. but even adults have feelings, and if you expect someone to be your friend you should treat them like one. My neighbour especially has people just wandering in and tapping at her kitchen window or joining the party on the stoop. But I do think its actually not very polite to do it. My parents chewed me out in the car when they came to get me for inviting myself over to someones home (which I was already in and had been asked if I wanted to stay). Anyway, those are the general rules I would follow, but I think here as some others have noted its really important that your friend has been pulling away from her generally for the past year. We talked about boys, sex, parents, money, school. Once, it wouldnt be a big deal, but if it happened often with a particular friend, Id have to say Canyou call first or I prefer advance planning. I mean, if my friend really has to use the bathroom, or their car needs a jump or their bike has a flat and their phone is out of battery, without question Id want them to come to me rather than poop their pants or flounder for assistance, but I am *personally* not one for the serendipitous fun hangout at my house. I married into a family that practices old-time Alaskan hospitality. Even if I were OK with hugs, I wouldnt want to be repeatedly visited at work to hug if nothing else, that would likely be viewed as incredibly unprofessional and quite likely disruptive to collegues. So hell come back! Why is Singapore placed so low in the democracy index? I really like to have control over when I am around people. That wouldnt have occurred to me unless my friends were in the habit of trying to sell me things. Person #4: Its Free Comic Book Day Saturday, so Im gonna go find a store and pick up some stuff to read. Going to a street fair devoted to tacos., Green light means go. Thats great if you have the time and the energy to do that. Im just generally a slightly messy, cluttered person. Perhaps its an issue of having strong boundaries, not sure. It may very well be that this particular incident wasnt a huge issue in itself, but your friend doesnt want to let a pattern develop that will be painful to break out of. I consider my house a family and friends and me place, and that works just fine. Passively, you both know that you're asking for an invite, but it allows for both outcomes without embarrassment. 1. I think many of the people in your life will be grateful to you for placing things firmly on the space-time continuum. I am a messy person, who not only doesnt wear a bra in the house but who habitually spends the entire day in filthy pyjamas with un-brushed hair if not planning to go out. Im coming in late and have enjoyed looking at the different takes on dropping by. Thanks for contributing an answer to Interpersonal Skills Stack Exchange! Having my room tossed like I was a prisoner in a maximum security prison (into my twenties) means that drop-ins wont ever happen. So I did a frantic quick clean, left the place unlocked, and left them a note saying that their child would be home about an hour and a half after their arrival, and Id be there about an hour after that. I kind of describe myself as an introverted extrovert. Still on for tonight? sounds a bit less pointed than Are you actually running on time today?. If this were a healthy friendship, that would be fine. You know this, Im sure, but do not invite yourself to the baby shower. 3. Been there, done that. Why view it as a personal offence? (Also with some of my college friends 98% of the time if they were talking about an event in front of me I was invited, but they didnt realize that invitations were things that happened? I think Im so hung up on this(and really, I am; I obsess over it) because when I was a teenager, I was quite unpopular. What country/cultural context is this in? (Everyone else gets vacuuming if absolutely necessary, plus some spaces to sit down cleared off.). Hi, sorry our dog is all excited you are here I didnt say your way forward was easy, mind. Seconded! I like offering (and getting) a friendly out so that nobody feels pressured to miss, say, their favoritest band ever thats playing a special last-minute-announced show just because we had plans to sit around watching TV. She thought I didnt like her anymore because I never just dropped by to see her. It tells me that she *knows* the world isnt an open invitation for her to insert herself into other peoples social events. I hope I didnt give the impression that I think its all up to the rejected party to take the hint. just got off the train, be there in 5 min Then they wont be surprised when I buzz them or ring the doorbell a few min later. Then, make a conscious decision to switch your focus elsewhere: on another new friend or date, on a hobby, on a great book youre reading, on showing up in some way for the people you already know and love. My spouse prefers to wait outside so as to offer minimal inconvenience to whoever is doing us the favor of driving. Yes, and it is impolite to place that responsibility and discomfort upon them merely because one isnt very good at picking up on social cues. Its also a good way to practice self-care, by saving your time and attention for people who reciprocate. 2. Although she gets annoyed if people she doesnt like as much assume the same invitation applies to them, or if people turn up late in the evening, or if people turn up when they knew she had plans to specifically do something like having to leaving the house to go to a party at 8pm, and a friend turns up at 7pm when shes in the middle of doing her hair and getting ready. Awkward. Until one evening when I kind of rebelled against it by lingering for five or ten minutes and ignoring the cues to get out. I think Id find a different vacation place and then NEVER tell anyone else where we were going or when! I have a people-energy budget made out for the week, and when people show up without asking, it annoys me at best-and also can be exhausting, depending on how high cost my week has been-and just the disruption to my budget without warning makes me annoyed. Sometimes acquaintances or people that I would like to get to know better are setting up some sort of social gathering (bar, party, bowling, etc) and I am not explicitly invited. Dear Captain Awkward, I was recently called out for inviting myself over to my friend's home to show off my new bike. Seriously. Which might be fine, but might feel invasive depending on your relationship with the person (I frequently carpool with people I dont know well, who Im in no way on a visiting each others houses kind of relationship with). Even now, when that is not socially normative, Im mostly happy to offer spontaneous tea and low-grade hanging out if someone is in the area. Your script(s) are: That sounds nice/Are you looking forward to it/Where is it/I hope there are no diaper cakes., Person#2: Ive got to clean the house, were having people over on Sunday., Red light means stop. Then, and this is the important part, drop way WAY back in your efforts to get together with her. Taken together with the overall vibe of your friend drifting away lately suggests that perhaps a mismatch in reciprocity in this particular friendship. The world has changed to respect those peoples boundaries, rather than requiring those people to (JUST) lower their boundaries to match yours. So, Id be interested to know how to handle someone once theyve already shown up, uninvited and not particularly wanted, to social events. ), This doesnt mean it cant be okay in specific workplaces, or with specific people! Me and my best friend, whose kids are really close with my kids, have our kids on opposite weekends Theres often the necessity of figuring out Okay is {kid} at her moms this weekend or her dads? If youre her friend and she likes you, she actively enjoys unexpected knocks on the door and quick visits that end up taking the entire afternoon. But Ill try and get better about using my words too. I wonder if perhaps we are related distantly. There is no amount of money that exists that would get me to play softball (Gym class PTSD). I *will* mind if they then invite themselves into my house, which I may or may not have cleaned recently, and the 10 minutes turns into 2 or 3 or more hours of unplanned socializing. Exactly that last sentence. My friends and I are roleplayers though, and typically a tabletop game will only be able to have 4-5 players in it, so its pretty obvious not everybody could do it, and most people really like hearing about others games (to an extent, nobody wants a 4 hour rundown of mass combat) so its sort of accepted that people will mention games they are in that others arent and people are usually fine with it. Yeah, his reaction was so weird. You watch for the car and come out, or even sit on the front step and wait for your ride. Unless I evict them, I cant have my house in a perpetual state of readiness (my version) for visitors, therefore DO NOT PRESENT YOURSELF AT MY HOME WITHOUT PRIOR ARRANGEMENT. . What's a polite way to invite yourself over for a home visit? It might just be easier to never mention social plans around her, but thats not really a sustainable optionis it? If I couldnt find one, I resented her when shed eventually show up and felt guilty about it. Is there a way to indicate that I am interested in going to whatever social gathering is happening without pressuring people into inviting me if they do not want to? Single. I am going to discuss fun things with family with other family, even though family event might conceivably include all family. Me: Ummm have fun? So go her! Others covered a lot of this for me already, but the short answer is that at 7 and with autism, my son is really, really not ready to be placed in charge of inviting his friend over. I got reamed at (yelled at, sarcasm, etc) by my ex because I showed up early one night for a hangout. How to Invite a Friend Over: 9 Steps (with Pictures) - wikiHow Hope to catch up soon. And then let her be the next one to reach out. Inviting yourself over to someone's house for dinner? And if Im in the area of someones place I dont ask to go inside, I usually ask if they want to go do something (usually whatever I was on my way to do anyway). Since I became bedbound Ive had to have my parents here, in my house. Its one of those things that vary culturally and individually, though. Yet because these folks are in my social orbit, its pretty obvious that if they want to make time for some other activity or person (not necessarily even a friend) they can usually manage to find it. "Happy hour . That is outrageous! I am actually super social but also have anxiety, so you know..conflicts! As to your otherquestion, about how you andother people in your life seem tointerpret time and intent differently around invitations,In the near future, Soon, Later,Sometime, all mean different things to different people, and this also varies widely as to region and culture. Everybody who shows up at the door is invited in out of the weather and offered a drink and a place to sit. I really, really need time to myself, and someone showing up to my house unexpectedly, no matter what, makes me feel uncomfortable and encroached upon. What works or worked in LWs life is the issue, not my reactions to hugs. Take care of yourself, okay? Nah, no girl invites someone for a first date to their house. Ive known a lot of people who are fine with people just showing up and I know thats their thing and Im not trying to shame them and say its wrong (if anything, I envy them) but I just dont understand it! (when i say something i would have expected to be invited to i mean something others in a similar or seemingly less close relationship with them were invited to. Not to mention that mentally I made 0 progress with therapy. TL;DR: Even people within the same family, raised with the same social and cultural background and living in the same kinds of neighborhoods, people can have vastly different ideas about whether popping in with or without calling ahead first is OK. again, we dont all have to be friends. She has been known to call AND SHOW UP IN PERSON WITHOUT AN APPOINTMENT at my workplace, even. Im not sure if youve already responded to your friend or not, but if not I think the correct response here is a simple Hey, sorry, didnt mean to invade your space! In more structured situations (like my wedding) they arrived in event-appropriate attire with their inside voices intact, consistent with their middle class upbringing and higher education level. I get where youre coming from, and there are some benefits to brutal honesty, but not everyone is comfortable with being brutal to friends. For . How to decline people inviting themselves to your home without - Quora This approach leaves me feeling frustrated because maybe I dont want to do that thing, or perhaps want to rest or need to do errands or whatever else, but feeling trapped because I already admitted I am available. I like to be left blessedly alone without the shoulders-up-around-my-ears anticipation that I am about to get invaded or called ten times in a row about bullshit, which is a feeling I have pretty much all the time when not at work or when it is not between midnight and five AM, the time when my mother might be unconscious for a few blessed hours, because all other times of the day are possible nMom intrusion times, either in person or by phone (and, if I dont answer the phone, she will definitely show up in person). Frequently saying no is going to cause problems with even the most dedicated Asker, so the prudent course is to say it strongly once, even if the idea of occasionally saying yes isnt awful. I would have a lot less anxiety about visitors if I could trust people to listen to what Im asking them to do in my home, whether thats taking shoes off by the door or sitting the fuck down when asked to. Now should the advice-giver start badgering me to see whether I followed their advice, thats something else again. I feel like this is one of those things that might stretch further than just Northern Californiapeople on this coast are flakes, and theres a pretty big tolerance for flakiness in a lot of social circles, and as a result some of these customs cropped up as a response to the general flakiness. Im used to being the awkward girl the group puts up with due to circumstance(classes, volunteer groups, tour groups, etc), the one asked to take the photos because no one actively wants her in them. Or even that they are just being polite and don't actually care? Going on for eight paragraphs about what awesome food you will have, in front of someone who is not invited to eat the awesome food, is unkind. *deep breaths* (20, M) Is there a subtle way to invite yourself to a girl's house? Besides, youre awesome and you deserve specific plans made to hang out with you, you are worth peoples going outside pants. Let that one go, ok? Actually, when I moved to northern California from the Midwest I found the culture was somewhat like this. By Tommy Meskill. Oh Lord, yes! And when you did, Id grab my shoes, say goodbye, twas great to see you and be out. If you're an introverted person, it's easy to make assumptions about imposing yourself on others, even when most people would expect that you would express your desire to go with them if you really wanted to go with them. If people arent showing up at your door because theyre worried its rude, you just have to let your friends know its okay: I love visitors, so feel free to drop by if youre ever in the area. Thats allowed too. He wasnt working when I arrived-he was naked, getting ready to shower. Its also one of the many reasons she doesnt spend much time around her grandparents. I am so glad asking this question because its one Ive also had, although in my case Im on the other side of the fence Im friends with the mom, and her daughter likes my kids, but they cant stand her. Honestly this bothers me sometimes too, even though I dont like completely unexpected visits. Not everyone does. . How To Politely Tell Someone They Are Not Invited Ideally they text you when theyre on the way so you know when to be ready, so you can just be waiting for them anyway. And I would probably stop initiating other kinds of hangouts (or at least do so less frequently) to see whether the friend really wanted us to keep being friends or if they were trying to naturally drift apart. Sorry! Although still-couldnt you just say dude, Im still working, can you hang out for an hour reading before we watch our show? That depends a lot on the setup of your home/street. 1600, masturbate to porn; 1630, cleanup; 1700, SO arrives. So if any of the people they had carefully arranged in their schedule/chessboard had the temerity to break pattern and show up early or try to clean under the bed or anything that threatened to bring the two sides of their lives together theyd explode with rageand since they couldnt talk about the actual cause of their anger, they often used bullshit nonsensical excuses, like, When you sweep for dustbunnies under the bed it implies you think Im a disgusting person. (Instead of: that is where I keep evidence about my affairs. Gah. Otherwise, you've conveyed that you're only joking and don't really care, and they should feel free to offer whatever excuse they have for why they didn't invite you. Re: ADHD Girl (also sorry nesting fail) Were in a cultural phase where Are we still on for tonight? is an actual question people text you 15 minutes before youre supposed to meet them. 3. Call your friend and ask them if it was alright with their parents, and if they are still up for coming over. Its funny, because my boyfriend is the opposite. Other people, other times in my life, not so much. As someone who NEEDS a lot of being-away-from-other-humans time, I am deeeeeply unhappy when someone just shows up at my door. My friend was not receptive to this type of hang-out (she is the kind who shame-cleans SO HARD, so I think an unannounced visit is a tiny version of Hell for her). Both times this tense, long conversation happened . Im not the kind of person who would appreciate a random drop by. (Im not saying they were saying that, or that youre wrong to feel affronted, just giving my read). If you try TWICE to schedule something with someone you dont know very well. It appears that the situation has changed, but I dont think theres anything to be gained by retroactively criticizing the LW for something which we cant know the appropriateness or not of at the time. Part of the home visit dread in my life is the potential endlessness of it. It is at someones home, and if you were invited, youd already be invited, or the person will use this conversation to specifically invite you by adding If you are free, you are welcome to come. Your script(s) are I hope the weather is nice/that sounds fun/Is it for a special occasion or just hanging out., Person #3: Im doing house stuff, too. People arguing to come over when I dont want them. But having grown up in the country, where you werent likely to be going past Auntie Janes house that frequently so why not stop and say hello while youre going past, I have felt mildly hurt when this doesnt happen. I try to host people in my home every so often just so that I have the excuse/motivation to do this kind of cleaning which I then enjoy all by myself for several days after. Sometimes, the people issuing invitations have just screwed up. I dont understand it. My SOs (large, close knit) family is terrible for this, especially since my SO is building a house right now and we have an adorable newborn baby. Think about this for a second. I mean, math can still be hard, but its sooo much easier than solving math problems WITHOUT doing math, haha. I get the idea that her family does this oftenand the stress it causes is palpable. Im definitely a Guesser in the Ask vs. In my poly case, my fraughtness has mostly been with my partners wife, but my partner and I could have had the same sort of issues earlier on in our relationship its all about transitions from guest to almost-cohabiting family, and about where people are comfortable with the relationships going on that scale. We have talked about this. If we visited someone, it was meticulously prearranged and we would show up on the very dot of the agreed-upon time not a minute sooner, not a minute later. What does this mean for transportation etc.. The joy I get out of hostessing is why I do it. And I have best friends where they get a are you guys home text before I show up most times, just in case theyre asleep or away. Eventually the pursued individual just grows weary of all the unwanted attention, and starts responding sharply (if they respond at all) when the other person wont gracefully take the hint and back off. Stack Exchange network consists of 182 Q&A communities including Stack Overflow, the largest, most trusted online community for developers to learn, share their knowledge, and build their careers. I dont care how close we are. Its worth asking in terms of, We would love to have T. over this month, when would be a good time? Its a little bit presumptuous, as the phrasing presumes that of course T.s parents would be delighted to have the playdateso if they for some reason arent okay with that, theyll have to use their Adulting Skills and make their refusal more clearbut right now the ball needs to be put in their court with a little more firmness. Wash all these dishes and put them in the drying rack; you, heres a vacuum cleaner and theres the living room; you, I need these potatoes cut into sixteenths and the chunks then put in this blue bowl here on the counter. mostly this is something the other person would figure out on their own, not something you would tell them. Im still trying to find the adult language to be, like, NO, your roommate-with-whom-I-am-only-casually-acquainted is NOT automatically also invited when you come visit and stay in my apartment in my new city, h-how, why, why would you think that would be the case? butmore kindly. At the very least dont honk your horn if youre in the city. Like theres a huge difference between dropping by unannounced and saying something like Cable at my new place wont be hooked up till next week, can I watch Nurse Jackie with you at your house on Sunday? But navigating that kind of thing can be pretty tricky, and you do have to kind of gauge how close the friendship is and what the other persons preferences are before you say something like that. It hasnt worked as well for me though. Oh, Ill come round to yours on Sunday at 3pm! becomes me and the husband anxiously Cleaning All the Things and then she doesnt turn up until half 5, by which time were usually gearing up to prepare the evening meal! Wait for me to open the door and join you. An unannounced home-visit, however, doesnt have a built-in time limit, and this might be part of the reason she is not open to them. Maybe its kind of odd that I still havent been able to give them their Christmas present by March!), knowing that I was That Person please-will-she-ever-go-away.
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