my boyfriend wants to track me

Neither of us ever has to do anything because the other is doing it and expects participationonly a prior agreement (or an obvious necessity like bills, housework or cooking) confers obligation. Some of the things the LW mentioned (such as helping with chores) certainly could affect the boyfriend, while there are other things (the LWs exercise and food intake) that do NOT affect the boyfriend. didnt care to be badgered about things and it needed to stop. My father was an abusive asshole and Mum leaving after 30 years was the best thing she could have done (other than leave earlier). What he meant to communicate was like Lets try this thing together! or Im trying this thing and Im loving it! but it came out as How about you do this thing? He was reluctant to agree to stop giving advice, because it was painful and frustrating for him to watch me go through depressive periods and be unable to help. Its like that Reddit thread Am I the Actual Asshole? I went through a phase when I asked him if he was feeling depressed almost every day at a point when he was beginning to feel better. July 11, 2023, 7:00 pm. Thank you. I liked the suggestion made upthread to use the BF for practicing your new boundary-setting skills on. Boyfriend wants to help, and hes looking at the logical things yes, eating right and exercising make you feel better IN THEORY but he doesnt comprehend those days when just brushing your damn hair is a massive effort. The goalposts will keep moving. Dumping him when it became clear hed rather boss me around than support me! A friend of mine called this sort of explanation, First, the earth cooled, Beware of I am very logical as a cover for I dont think your feelings matter and I dont care if I hurt you.. If she is similar, then making it easier to have the social thing happen and harder to get out of once agreed to may be helpful. Or is he blaming his own ambivalence about the relationship on you and your past depression? In the latter casetry the scripts here for some firmer words of quit that already, mention that you *have* a therapist and this is their *job* and his job now is to be a listening ear and a source of happiness and relaxation, and if he still refuses to comply, dump him. My husband keeps "tracking" me : r/relationship_advice If theres child support or alimony involved, the presence of those forms should be able to take care of the financial requirements.). Would he be badgering you to give up therapy because you dont need it? Its scary breaking up with someone when yr already in a vulnerable headspace, but it is very possible that you will actually feel waaaay better without this dude in the picture. But I didnt realize just how miserable his misery was making me until it got to the point where I was rolling my eyes at him and dismissing comments (not always out loud, but sometimes) as being stupid or idiotic. It wasnt until a few months of this that I realized just how acutely disrespectful my words and actions were, and it took another few weeks before I finally put together that continuing to live with someone for whom Id lost all respect wasnt doing either one of us any favors. One more reason for doing so, as soon as its possible. Its possible. Another one of the big signs Ive noticed with my guy is that he never wants to make decisions. I want a guy who cares about me a lot, sure, but not someone who sabotages their own life to be with me. I think there's a reason to use it with balance, having access to their location in case of an emergency is way different from using it to keep tabs on their whereabouts 24/7. It doesnt sound like you two ever consensually negotiated a relationship with unequal roles and a power imbalance, nor does it sound like what you want. Well, I mean, as someone who prefers her boys on the skinny side, it is totally true that everyone gets to have preferences. I think your bf is in love with the idea of the person he wants to make you into, the person he wants you to look and act like in other words, hes in love with himself as he sees himself manifest through you. Do you want me to smack your hand when you reach for the chips? OTOH, healthy eating and exercise are also always promoted as the big pop-cultural panaceas for depression and are indeed helpful tools for some people, sometimes, but unfortunately mesh far too well with the cultural meme that people are only sick (or fat) because theyre lazy, greedy or just Not Trying Hard Enough. And that me getting out more by myself is a good thing? Its also a thing that gets easier once youve done it. Kindness. You are healing, why shouldnt your home and your relationship be a place you can feel comfortable? Hes literally always looking for validation about how I feel about him and our relationship. You are doing exactly what you need to do, and do not need to do more because someone else says so. Also the related ones of oh, everyone feels like that [i.e. OK, so you took a walk instead of doing the cardio class; thats not great, but its a whole lot better than nothing is a way to keep score. Mmmm. I had heard it once or twice on Dr. Phil or somewhere but Id never paid much attention. LW, as someone who struggles with depression with a spouse who struggles with depression, heres what concerns me about your letter: Your boyfriend is expecting you to be accountable to a list of tasks hes set, rather than treating you with compassion and helping you help yourself. So people get made to feel that theyre failing if they have the kind of depression that cant be fixed by green leafy vegetables and jogging (or that they must not want to get well if their depression prevents them from having the energy to cook, exercise, or whatever). Encouragement. I sent $80K to my 'millionaire' boyfriend I've never met did he July 12, 2023, 10:00 am, by Helpful. He then believes that if you simply were to do the right things then he would get what he wants. That's basically what it is. Even after I told him I wasnt interested in doing that, hed bring it up ad naseum. When I first started dating Ryan, he had told me that he tracks his 13 year old daughter through that find my friends app, which I get, he wants to know where shes at when she decides to run off with her friends. I used similar, but not as good actually, scripts to CAs, and they worked (eventually). I am annoyed he is tracking me, not because I have something to hide, it's because I am forthcoming with my whereabouts that I am annoyed. Your boyfriends Exercise more! Nightengale, Im going to commit this one to memory! And if he wont respect boundaries, keeps behaving like this? in my flow state of intuitive expertise, 7 qualities every independent woman should look for in a man, 20 things self-assured people do differently in relationships, 6 signs youre in a relationship with someone who lacks emotional depth, If youre a lifelong learner, you probably have these 6 habits, 10 traits of people who are comfortable being alone, If you really want to change your life, ditch these 5 habits now, 11 signs someone isnt as emotionally intelligent as they think, 14 warning signs youre dealing with a passive-aggressive person, 7 traits that make someone low maintenance in a relationship, 15 signs youre surrounded by love, even if you dont realize it, The psychology of ignoring someone to get them to like you. If so, should I remind you in the morning? A lot of writing (calling, whatever) to advice people seems to be this. Part of the reason my boyfriend and I managed to get through it (and got through it with a stronger relationship than I have with my mother) is the lack of picking and nagging. I think you can tell dude that the things he is doing are not helping and that your therapist agrees with you (assuming therapist does and I think therapist is your number one go to about this) and also give him things he *can* do to help you when you are feeling down. Now I think to some extent I was partly in therapy to get ready to leave him. Alas, LWs BF appears to be one of them. You're not in a position to tell me I'm wrong or demand I change my mind. Many, possibly even most, of us find that a bit of exercise can be a mood brightener when were feeling especially low. Or maybe its because walking isnt competitive in any way? We sat side by side on the couch, and he told my therapist how much he loved me, how much he wanted to help me, and how much it hurt him to see me suffering. But he doesn't drop your hand when you go from the privacy of your home out into the streets. Please support me in that by having relaxing with me, not coaching.. If you are depressed, and your partner likes and loves you, and wants to help you with care and recovery, theres a real risk theyll become frustrated and upset when presented with evidence that progress isnt happening. Him: You havent been to the gym today! And when youve told him that hes being unhelpful, and hes told you its the stupidest thing Ive ever heard that you might have your own thoughts on your health and what you need That is him being a jerk to you. He doesnt feel theres any sort of a problem with it, he feels entirely justified in acting the way hes acting, and people who feel that way about how theyre behaving go on behaving in that way. Ok its possible I need a fix of both Buffy and chocolate chip cookies. Hes demanding you account for the stuff you do when hes not there, and is a condescending asshole about it. When he veered into bossing me around when we were in the gym at the same time, I told him, You can be my trainer or my boyfriend, not both. Tina Fey This is another clue that the boyfriend isnt all that invested in the LWs progress toward real, positive change. And how can we fix it? No give me your logical reasons why this is a thing that is hurtful, no I dont think youre actually hurt about this, I think its this other thing. You cant have every day be a rest day otherwise youre not actually exercising, but they are needed or you burn out and get injured or sick. 17. He is not the boss of you, and something in you has woken up to that. Yes. Sadly, I would not be surprised if he saw outcome 1 as being necessary for the LW to be happy and healthy or at least how he self justifies wanting the LW to return to the passive role that they played in the relationship while they grappled with their depression and lack of confidence. And thats the thing, I guess. So much sympathy to the LW for trying to make this work on top of making themself happy. So I gave him a list of things he can do to help. 3. by If I have to cook a decent meal for the toddler, may as well cook for two at once, right? My partner and I take walks, and thats about as far as it goes at this point. You still get to decide whether you like him. (From knowing my mother I now if shed had any reservations she would have allowed herself to tell me about them as many times as she could. He assumes you want to understand things as exhaustively as he wants to, so (if you have asked about a thing, like say directions or a computer how-to) he goes ON and ON into tiny details unless you stop him. Part of the issue, like Ive been saying, is his cycle of self-guilt and his over-niceness. A lot of people who have disabilities end up with serious social problems, at least for a while, as they have to figure out which people will still treat them well and which will cause them problems in all sorts of new ways. I dont need bullying at that point -my brain does that for me- I need sustenance and caring. Try Spyic Now. I can love him, help him in the ways he asks to be helped, but not drown alongside him. Yeah, he sounds like the things my Jerkbrain says when Ive drank too much and I feel so gross enough that I just want to get everything out of my stomach. Well, he uses techniques derived from ancient shamanic teachings, but he puts his own modern-day twist on them. If your boyfriend says he wants a break the first thing to do is don't panic. Youre seeing a therapist, and making strides, youre clearly doing exercise and stuff. I had to work this out with my young man. All unsolicited helping has a certain degree of arrogance to it because it necessarily implies that the helpee could not get this done without you. He is refusing to allow you any independent existence and the fact that he is denying doing so makes. It is possible that he can be moved out of the fixer mode, but, if he stays in fixer mode then nothing will ever be enough. (ALSO he sounds like the sneering voice of trying to stop CSP behaviours once youre in the zone with them.) I needed therapy, not just support, and his well-meaning attempts to get me active were grating and undermining to me. When people get all up on how logical and not swayed by petty emotions they are, I always end up thinking about the narrator of Ancillary Justice an AI whos been programmed with emotions because they *allow her to make better decisions*. Seriously, FUCK HIM (and not in a fun way). On the other hand, if your boyfriend puts a lot of stock into what your therapist says, this line might work really well. Here are 9 signs that you should keep swiping. Your jerkbrain beats you up enough when you have depression. Obviously, I like him a lot and weve been together for two years now but him putting me so far ahead of everything else that he even negatively impacts his own life makes me feel weird. August 30, 2017 Illustration by Ccile Dormeau Recently I was at a bar with friends when someone asked when my boyfriend was gonna show up. So if youre tired of your relationships never working out, of feeling undervalued, unappreciated, or unloved. Following the health was hurt because of being pushed to overlook boundaries thought, what Im most afraid of is: does LWs depression come with any self-harming inclinations? Seriously. People who base their identity around fixing you have a major investment in keeping you broken. Hide the chips? My boyfriend (39m) wants to track me (31f) via phone/find my friends Tell you at the end of the day that I noticed you ate the chips? If your boyfriend is showing similar signs as those above and youre also getting sucked into a codependent spiral there are things you can do right now to start climbing out. And sometimes people respond to that by trying to keep a person from getting healthier. Either way, his Train of Logic will crash into the buffers. Because Reasons? Friend, I miss you and Id love to see your face. Ding! In my experience, that kind of mindset is tough to crack. This was my college boyfriend in a nutshell. He had money and I didnt. Applauding your friends and remembering this one for future use. (Female ones personally, I havent found this phenomenon to be in any way gendered. Loving yourself is the most important love of all. By subscribing to this BDG newsletter, you agree to our. A complicating factor is that there was probably a time when it was comforting to you for your boyfriend to be in that caretaker role and to have him believe so strongly in your power to change, back there during the worst of it. Your workout didnt count according to my standards is a vague inference. By accepting all cookies, you agree to our use of cookies to deliver and maintain our services and site, improve the quality of Reddit, personalize Reddit content and advertising, and measure the effectiveness of advertising. Hes developed some very strong and unrealistic expectations about ways LW will change. Hello, me from the past! But what happens when you step into lukewarm water and slowly turn the heat. It didnt! He never lashes out with his anger, he just doesnt talk much when hes mad. I typically tell my husband if I am going somewhere, and I did tell him I had to run to the store (but I acknowledge he was half asleep). Dont. Feeling bad when you are in a stressful situation doesnt make you bad, it makes you normal. I find that when one person is overly invested in helping someone else, its often an indicator that they have their own issues which theyre trying to feel better about. But when you the helper decide on your own that (1) theres a problem and/or (2) you have to be the one to fix it, youre wading into dangerous waters. My therapist suggested that I start taking more autonomy over my choices around this, and to stop looking to you for input about every little thing. you can do it! the whole time. My husband is in a club that meets once a month when he has that meeting I have Chipotle for dinner. LW, your story really, really made the back hairs of my neck stand up. But everything you say about this dudetells me that hes more in love with Potential You than he is with Actual, Right Here You. Flags everywhere! http://fathom.lib.uchicago.edu/1/77777760800/, https://captainawkward.com/2011/11/05/question-130-my-partner-is-depressed-and-i-am-drowning/, https://captainawkward.com/2013/01/05/429-430-when-depression-is-contagious/, Follow CaptainAwkward.com on WordPress.com. Your Mileage May Vary. For a relationship to survive a crisis like that, you have to like the person (not just love them) and respect the person (not just love them). Eat veggies! offered as a panacea for your depression sounded so much like when my fianc would tell me just drive more even on days when I was really struggling with memories of past car accidents. Some things Ive done to help encourage my partner with quitting smoking (which he successfully did years ago, yay) and exercising more are: think of specific, loving things you can do that might help this wont always be something you can do, but, for example, when he was trying to quit last time, I had learned from previous attempts that part of the problem was wanting something to put in his mouth. A person who wants the best for you will listen to you when you share that with them, and will change their behavior accordingly. He told me everytime he uses find my location it's to turn the sound on, on my phone. Im going to read it again as soon Im done with this comment. Eating is a big thing for me and something I skip doing when my brain gets jerky. You can see it as a chance to grow. Responding to your partner asking you to stop trying to control them by telling them that their opinion is stupid is pretty emotionally abusive. We ended up breaking up about a year later. I told him he is not allowed to use it without permission. It sounds like you live together, and that breaking up isnt a logistically or financially simple matter as well as being emotionally scary and taxing. Its that he doesnt care about Actual you. Not bully me or harangue me into preparing something for myself but actually sit me down and put a plate in front of me. The 'Ivory Lady' was a revered leader. Even if he genuinely wants you to be well and capable and happy, instead of just better conformed to the you he wants, hes being hlepy. My family hated that I smoked and were anxious about what it was doing to my health, my boyfriend hated it, my friends hated it but trying to quit for other people never worked. This is poor form, and Boyfriend really needs to wake up and smell the coffee that THINGS ARE MORE OKAY NOW, BACK THE FUCK OFF, YOURE NOT NEEDED. At all. (Ice cream, breakfast for dinner, weird thing you like that he doesnt like. Theres nothing logical or reasonable about badgering your partner or dismissing their feelings. Sometimes weve done well when he asks me what I think Im doing. Thank you your reading of his intent is, I think, spot-on! Hmmm, actually, that wasnt the post I was thinking of. And I think thats something a lot of people have trouble with, especially when they have an idea of how the right way to be is (Ive noticed that people who tend to be rational often have trouble with this that other people make decisions that they would not make and other people have reasons for those decisions that are just as real as their reasons for doing something different). You see, even though neither of us is a terrible person and we both had really good intentions and cared for each other, we had gotten into a deep pattern of being good for each other (even though we werent) and supporting [Partner] (even though we werent) and staying together because we needed that (even though we didnt). Scan this QR code to download the app now. No is not an argument or a conversation, and youve said no to him his continuing to push, to decide for you how your body should be, how your life should be, is not okay. Hoverwatch offers a free service, but its premium plan is the logical option if you want to remotely track your boyfriend's location and has additional useful features: 1 month - $24.95/month This is fine isnt good enough when it comes to relationships, IMO. "The need to restrict your partner or dictate their schedule of activities is not healthy behavior. managed to pollute both the minds and the bodies of the American people, but he meant well. By rejecting non-essential cookies, Reddit may still use certain cookies to ensure the proper functionality of our platform. Last week, Catharine Higginson, a 45-year-old teacher from Surrey,. Something stuck out to me in your letter, you said your boyfriend thinks that if you do your healthy self improvement things then he wont have to deal with you having depression. Step 1: Set up the "Find My iPhone" feature on the target device. Reasons Why Your Husband Is Spying on You He suspects you of cheating. I am so mad at you for having cancer! See the problem? Sure, its better if you are exercising and eating vegetables I guess, but if you dont thats fine youre great anyway. I am so glad you realize that they are NOT your due.
Menu For Lakeside Grill, Houses For Rent Denver By Owner, Biggest School Districts In Washington State, River And Campbell Apartments, Distance From Gallup Nm To Albuquerque Nm, Articles M