why am i so quiet but not shy

I get this anywhere and everywhere I go. OP, is there any way youd feel comfortable going to those managers (current or former) and asking for concrete examples? I tend to mumble and can lack eloquence in my personal lifebut you would think I flip a switch at work. Using non-threatening, filler words like just and only convey a lack of confidence. I agree that lots of people believe that women can succeed professionally by imitating men and maybe this is true, to some extent. I think body language is something people rely a lot on to assess if someone is engaged, confident, and should be taken seriously, even if that person is not speaking much during a meeting. If. Have always been told Im too quiet. Tell them you want to sound more confident and want people to take your words more seriously. It might not be about what youre saying about work topics, even though the feedback is explicitly that. Im a chatty introvert and dont have any trouble speaking up in meetings. And you can add to it to push someone else from 90 % to 95%. Good luck! Things like I dont know, but . (I dont do this anymore btw. made a heckuva difference to my ability to speak up and be more confident. Can you roleplay or simulate these meetings? I was surprised to hear my own vocal inflections and tone of voice (not good, bad, or otherwise, just noted it) and have made efforts to change the things about it that I dont especially like. Shes super self-confident and takes no shiz from anyone. Im having delightful mental images of Balance Sheets through Interpretive Dance! I dont know if thats something one can work on; Id imagine that the same way I can really only be quieter if I REALLY concentrate on it and focus all of my thoughts on it the opposite would be true, too, but maybe someone teaching speech would feel differently. Good luck! 1. Its really empowering! That way, when you are in a group setting it wont feel as intimidating to speak upsince its not a large group of people you dont know very well; rather its a group composed of folks you have gotten to know and express your expertise to. ask an Improv teacher if your class can do some status work, its very handy in controlling how others perceive you. However, these days Ill talk to almost anyone. I still have a soft voice and in fact teach a yoga class where my biggest feedback is how soothing my voice is. They give you practice in all kinds of scenarios. Good luck and give us an update when youre rocking your new job! Its seriously a 180 transformation. I wasnt nervous, I was out of breath. I definitely see where youre coming from, but OP wasnt just concerned about not speaking *enough* she specifically mentioned being bolder, speaking with more conviction, and not being seen as timid. And Im a very short woman (in spite of my name here!). I would research body language that conveys confidence and then try to implement it around colleagues both when speaking AND when youre not. If you can kind of see that they want you to speak at department meetings or sub-group meetings then focus on that much. Someone pointed out to me once that there are 2 reasons to invite someone to a meeting. . It doesnt take more than 1 or 2 friendly assertions to get people to understand that your quietness comes from inner confidence and not timidity. Looking at it from the point of view of establishing your presence in order to better put your serious points across later on helps not to see it as talking for the sake of talking. 1. A few ideas: Look into Toastmasters. Sometimes this requires preparation to make this message, and other times it just requires you to be relaxed and to see the right opportunity. In a previous career a facilitated leadership workshops. Inherent issue with video calls! OP will have to decide for themselves what is best for themselves and in their industry, of course. For a longer term approach I would consider joining a volunteer organization committee that matches your interests. Also useful to quiet a larger audience. Except in (American) English, we actually only use rising intonation on yes-no questions (Do you like pizza?). See how different it sounds if you record ftom a headset vs (if available) some other sort of recorder further and further away in the room (my cousins and I used to play with tape recorders a lot, so I still have those XD) Generally, "you're so quiet!" really means "I bet you're nice and I'd like to get to know you a little better.". . But speaking as a woman who has always tended to be quiet in meetings, I think the best technique for being remembered as having made a contribution, is not only to get there early, but to speak early. . or Help me . We cannot fight ever single battle individually. I think this will get better with time, the past few years its been easier for me to speak up in meetings because I have a certain level of authority and knowledge. Id advise having a trusted friend with a lot of emotional intelligence help you with this. It feels good to read a book in a quiet room without any people . To add on to this comment, Ive found that even though I might not have much to say on a topic, I need to play the game a little bit in meetings. One thing that worked for me when I was in that classic configuration of: 1. being the least senior person in the room, 2. one of the very few woman (aside from the admin taking the minutes and the second admin bringing the coffee) and 3. the person with the actual technical skills required to navigate the issue at hand but who people werent always inclined to listen to especially when I had to contradict senior people, was to occupy space physically. It can also mean being the person who takes notes and tries to track what other people are saying, or who synthesises and picks up two or three good ideas and moves the conversation on, or who turns some of that rubbish into actions and gets commitments from people. When you are around someone you need approval and validation from, you will naturally get nervous. Very extraverted sales people. So I mantain a few pages on the company wiki with information that helps others, I make small talk via IM, and I comment virtually on what other people are doing. 4. And find a style of your own! I used to be seen as a quiet woman, and even though people make plenty of space for me as a man, old habits die hard, and my voice still reads female when Im not focusing on it. Remember that they hired you for a reason. Good luck! I slow down when I talk by about half my natural speaking pattern. It also really helped to teach a college course in my field at night after work for a few years, where I WAS the authority and needed to learn to speak confidently to the students. Early in my career my manager advised me that I didnt look engaged in meetings (even though I was) and that by leaning in instead of sitting back, engaging in eye contact with whoever was speaking, noddingbasically performative listeningwould be advisable to change the perception that I was not interested in what was going on. It does not have to be the deepest thing ever. Correct me if Im wrong but If you start the discussion, maybe people will bring you back in with follow-up questions. It will come. I have a colleague who sometimes comes across this way like she feels like shes bothering people if she speaks up, or like maybe her ideas arent very good or important. If you have the financial resources this is something a good coach will help you with. Essentially, reserved people like to 'reserve' their specific personality traits for themselves. I remember being told that its important to say something anything as soon as possible in a meeting. Sometimes it means taking charge of the conversation and ensuring that we come out of it with something useful. +1 for Quiet. Im not very talkative, but I am more willing to speak up than most of my coworkers, and sometimes I worry about dominating the conversation. As a Public Speaking professor, the #1 point I emphasize is to speak FOR THE BENEFIT of the listeners. Well, take a deep breath and imagine youre stepping on a stage where youre playing an extrovert. 1, you have information to deliver to them, and 2, you need their input on a decision or process. Envision this as a role you take on for work, much as a manager must take on a different role than a team member and interacts differently. coworkers keep commenting on how quiet I am Ask a Manager You know how some days you feel meh, then when you get to work you take a deep breath and push all that aside? And also agree on preparing for the topic in advance. I love this and would love it to run across the bottom of the screen during our meetings. I spent so much time in my 20s writing and talking like this. I remember being in my workspace and being greeted by people from other departments who needed something saying No one is in yet? I would identify moments where you COULD have been more outspoken or convicted and think about what your barrier was. Ive done this even when Im the most junior person in the room and Ive built a strong skillset around being able to move conversation on when its no longer productive and keeping meetings to time/a strict agenda. We are at the party, but we aren't the life of the party. But I will add on to the suggestion that you reach out to a voice/acting coach. Maybe my tactics will be helpful for you. I work with some very introverted colleagues that still come across with much conviction (men and women). I think you need a work persona and home persona. (Ahh) I wear Balenciaga straight out the show room (Bitch) I put spikes all on my head just like I'm Goku (Bitch) She looked at me in my eyes, said, "Be the old you" (Bitch) Suck my dick, you . Id also love it if when you scheduled a meeting, Outlook would have a pop-up saying, Does this need to be a meeting? Good luck! OP writes I speak up when I have something to say, and while I wouldnt encourage her to speak up when she has NOTHING to say, sometimes its a question of dealing with something as a group and throwing ideas around. They are waiting for more information 6. All rights reserved. The science behind why some of us are shy - BBC Future Id never received feedback from mentors about rising tones at the end of my sentences specifically, but I had heard that I speak in sing-song. I personally found it less helpful to focus on fixing my tone in speaking, and more helpful to consider the mindsets and attitudes that go into creating a reliance on prosody. This response (ugh, shes so bossy!) is ingrained in society too, so OP needs to get comfortable with not everyone liking her. What to Say When Asked, "Why Are You So Quiet?" - About Social Anxiety Speaking with conviction. Example: Im sort of running that event tomorrow. vs. Im running that event tomorrow. If youre in charge, youre not sort of anything, you are running the event. I agree with the suggestions about opportunities to practice using your voice, and advice from actual speech coaches, AND I would suggest spending a little time with an actual personal coach who focuses on purpose, your sense of who you are in relation to your work. Find a good coach who can work with you on your presentation (how others see you), voice projection, etc. Personally, I realized I was in the wrong industry. You might also reflect on *when* your best ideas comeif they come a bit after the meeting after youve had a chance to process, chat with your boss about that, and tell them youll be able to offer better contributions an hour or two afterwards in email form and see if they go for that. It made a huge difference to how I was perceived once I sounded confident to my listeners and once they were no longer straining to hear me. I have gone into meetings and said to a friend, I want to talk about x, if my tail starts dragging, will you chime in? (This is where I know we both agree on x.) At first it was very hard. 2. If you feel like you have good knowledge and insight into yourself, your motivations, and your feelings, you might be more of an introvert. Definitely I can think of several women with gravitas. I speak from personal experience as Im similar, and in a similar sector. I do think that uptalk can be a little undermining simply because it generally indicates a question, and can make a statement sound less certain. Cillian Murphy on Oppenheimer, sex scenes and self-doubt: 'I'm stubborn
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