Please take care of yourself, and remember that your happiness matters too. I try and set a five minute rule for complaining about work. And then we had a baby and I was on mat leave. I felt horrible being rude to her (did I really need to be blunt and so loud that it echo in the church?) Then, thankfully, my husband and sister both retired. Do you often wonder why some people in the office seem too cheerful. Its not ok. She needs to be able to self-soothe. If you can be firm about steering the conversation away from complaining and toward discussing actionable steps, that could be helpful in the long run to help your wife see how to get out of a job that is overwhelming her every day. If he is going on a bit of a negative rant for a bit too long, I say now say something positive and hes forced to find one positive thing to say, however random it may be. This took many months to work on. I admit I dont love the level of judgement here. Gather Information Gather information you will need to file your complaint. Still fake smiling and pushing all the bullshit down deep inside me so that no one else has to deal with it. What ultimately worked for me was literally saying over several conversations, I need you to complain less, and I am EXHAUSTED. A reader writes: My wife and I have a generally happy household, except for after work times: I think of this as the Airing of Grievances hour. And NEVER AT THE DINNER TABLE!!!! Its up to her what she does with that info, but its one of those things thats hard to see if youre stuck inside your own head. This might actually work for her and that may be why she is doing it! It was really exhausting for all of us! It truly always leads to more complaining by becoming an ingrained habit. If she is not happy in this job, she needs to figure out what needs to change in her job, or if she needs to ditch the whole job and get another. Part of the trick and this is very hard to do with a significant other, is just turn off your empathy! playing the part of a Happy Helpful Smiley Person [as part of your job] is what the term emotional labor, which people often misuse to mean anything where their family or friends are expressing emotions to them or they have emotions about another persons behavior, ACTUALLY means. What is truly causing her complaining? We are grateful that the area we moved to was one we were very familiar with due to my husbands parents growing up there and they were currently living there. I am not saying that you need a divorce. take it out on the staff so I didnt put my husband and kids through it.. She does have other options. Performance Management: Common Complaints and Responses Now, in my circle, if someone is venting we ask is it about the nail or not about the nail? Often it gets a laugh and defuses the situation or allows the venter to clarify what their needs are. Usually a physical outlet of some kind helps with frustration. Yeah, physical exercise is great for getting rid of all the stress hormones. The outcome became that a) there was no room for me to talk about my problems because his took up so much air; by the time he was done complaining I really didnt have energy to share my own feelings, b) he never got any happier because surprise, spending most of your outside-of-work conversations on work and whats wrong with work and how miserable you are at work doesnt actually make you feel better, and c) I was getting burnt out. Its never been this intense in my marriage, but my husband and I have had to navigate some personality differences on thishes definitely more the type that sees complaining and venting as a commonplace way to bond and he thinks Im too robotic/Spock-like in my stance that I dont understand what the purpose is of dwelling on something negative that you cant change anyway. I would stand there with my coat on and my bags and listen to him dump and dump and dump on me emotionally. Research shows multiple benefits for health and well-being that come with journaling. I dont know if your wife is looking for or wants advice/feedback when she complains. Ooooof, I feel for you. Home is pretty far from a work-free zone for many people and couples these days, though. I was thinking we could. More independence to pursue a project? It doesnt help in our case that I am much happier in my dept than he is in his, so I do allow for some. For a reasonable person, I think a conversation about their negativity (not necessarily that they complain too much because that is easy to rationalize, they have so much to be upset about..might help. Id need to take a huge pay/benefits cut to do something else, which we cant afford. He used to complain and rant non-stop on the drive home (we worked a couple of blocks from each other). I accidently shut down a complainer who was constantly complaining about her job with my rudeness. - Michele Markey, SkillPath. It seems to me that OP has not been clear enough with his wife that this is no longer sustainable and some kind of change needs to be made. But dont expect her to intuit *your* needs from your suggesting changes to *her* process. Parents are counseled that little kids try to be so good all day and then when they get home they fall apart on their parents because they feel safe. Its not an hour-long rant, and its not one sided. So my suggestion is to help your wife find a creative outlet, whether its blasting music in her ears, talking to an effigy, creating a YouTube channel, joining a crossfit gym, throwing paint at a wall, or something else. These are: Takeaway: We complain in order to get something. One thing we all should realize is that although there are lots of things we cant control about our lives, we can control our attitudes and our response. Sometimes, you just need to wash it all down the drain! I have lived with a roommate like this, as well as a former partner. You do NOT have to (and maybe should not) make suggestions about how to handle things. You should look out for yourself and she has to deal with the consequences and find a better path forward. I think some of us vent in lieu of trying to find strategies that might actually help because venting/complaining is easier. Maybe a post-work, pre-dinner walk, yoga class, get-it-all-out cardio kickboxing session, etc. I want you to investigate them and take The point is to shift her mindset. It is imperative to the health of your relationship that you stop being the recipient of all of your wifes complaints. Ive been in my new role for several years now, and though every job has its annoyances, its nothing like before! thank you for this ideal, Im totally stealing it and will send you mental thank yous every time I use it. Culture Of Complainers? Seven Ways To Cut Workplace Complaining But also, yeah, if shes ranting and venting every day, I have to wonder if this job is terribly good for her mental health. Thanks. I told him that I knew he had struggled with depression and anxiety in the past, and as an observer outside of his head, it seems like his mood had taken a noticable downturn. Part of HuffPost Work/Life. I admit this may be different for chronic complainers, but I have to admit I find what are you planning to do about it? super grating. Everything was so fresh in his mind that he was processing it very intensely, in front of me. I understand that, but especially in the current climate where Covid has kept social events minimal and we are spending much more time at home, I am the only outlet for the days news. Your wife is stuck in this pattern. Venting wasnt limited to dinner time and it took a massive toll on my mental health. to identify what the complaints are really about Yeah, another vote for option 3. I made sure to not let it transfer to the driving (stayed in the right lane, kept to the speed limit) but OMG the swearing and telling-off that I did. You will receive email updates and can check the status of your complaint. I like the suggestion that you own the impact on you. All complaining isn't all bad. I have to hear about all the rotten customers she dealt with, all the mistakes her coworkers made, and how she gets no respect from anyone. Seconding this! He also made a concious effort to lessen the amount of time he spent ranting. Fight fire with fire! Before long, it stops being helpful and starts being destructive. The most common complaint I received regularly over the years has been about communication silos. It didnt give me the purpose and the excitement that it had before and it was zapping my empathy and trust. I am a bit of a blamer when my husband and I first got together we decided that we would have a no fault marriage. Its a nice idea but personally, I would be extremely upset if my spouse suggested this to would feel very condescending to me and additionally in jobs like hers there are lots of days that dont have a single positive thing about them. Ultimately, we did two things: 1. single. And after I was gone, he realized it was up to him to change the situation? It took some time and effort on my part: 12 weeks of courses twice a week, plus months of interviewing, but moving out of customer-facing has made SUCH a huge difference in my misery level day-t0-day. Tip: Shun the Negative Tribe Shes also the kind of person who processes ideas out loud, which would be less of a problem if they werent the same ideas all the time (shes fine, she just doesnt have much going on in her life right now). A listening ear? It sometimes feels like you are about to physically explode with how upset you are with being forced to be in a work situation you loathe for 8+ hours a day. I dont think this went as far as expecting the wife to be grateful for itI think it was only intended to give her space to decompress without feeling like she had to cook dinner, clean something, pay attention to spouse, etc. In the end, I just sat him down and was completely honest. Not much advice aside from put your foot down for your own sanitys sake. I was the wife in this scenario about 7 years ago constant complaining, very unhappy with work, and it was turning me into a very grumpy and frustrated person. It sounds like she needs to let of some steam (understandable) and you dont want to have an hour-long rant delivered in your direction every day (also understandable). Or if their wife is really struggling with this particular job, I agree its worth checking if a change of career is a good idea. Loudly.) This would go over TERRIBLY in my household. Psychologically, its really unhealthy to squelch complaints, says Guy Winch PhD, psychologist and author of The Squeaky Wheel: Complaining the Right Way to Get Results, Improve Your Relationships, and Enhance Self-Esteem. Shell get a better idea of just how much complaining, repetition, and exhaustion takes place each night. I love this. Perhaps theyre valid PS: from what shes doing now, shes not getting her resentment out; shes reinforcing it. Looking back I know that isnt true I just needed a more productive outlet to tell a therapist my frustrations, and then learn to control what I actually could in my life instead of getting stuck in no control at work rage spirals. While this is happening, there are five dogs jumping in me, wanting all my attention, and two who are trying to open the catch gate so they can leave because they dont want to be there, and oh, someone is yelling over the walkie for a dog who is going home, so I have to gwt that dog out while literally hauling 30 OTHER dogs back. I do think it can also help to soften the phraseology a bit. I finally told him that I was going to bus home because I needed some peace and quiet before getting home. Perhaps joining a gym where she can release some pent up energy might help. Chrissy Scivicque is a certified Project Management Professional (PMP) and certified Professional Career Manager (PCM). I talk about work way more than I want to just because it feels like theres nothing else to talk about. Then, set a time limit. On the other, I can hear it said kind of dismissively. "I have to do this, but I deserve better!" It was hard and unpleasant for both of us, but once the hard feelings and things improved, we both started to feel happier. It can feel liberating to let it all out when you've been holding frustrations in for an entire day or week. Ive been at a new organization for just over 3 years and its great, I rarely get emails that make me want to throw my computer across the room and I have not cried in my office once! Maybe it becomes a conversation about how right now the job market favors job seekers and she could use a change! We could talk about work as much as we wanted until the timer went off, but then no more work talk. This can be difficult, because negative emotions are contagious. Before you call out a complainer, put yourself in their shoes. Second best is a rage drive, with REALLY LOUD MUSIC. Ensure measurements of success (i.e. Its not perfect, but its much better. People complain for a variety of reasons. Years ago, when I worked in a place with a uniform (Tourism job), I had a colleague who taught me to let the uniform absorb the people crap then take it off, shove it in the wash, and let it all go down the drain. To make matters worse, a small percentage of such complaints are likely to be bogus, experts say. Within a few weeks, the meds kicked in and his job genuinely started stressing him out less, which lessened the desire to complain too. and nature of the beast part. My husband and I carpooled when I was working, and that drive home was our Airing of the Days Grievances (ADG) time. Be clearer with what you need and perhaps offer or help her find resources or another job. Another way to analyze why you complain about work involves dissecting your motives. My sister and I are verbal processors so we lean on each other to vent. Venting is a more neutral term, to me anyway. He specifically said their household is otherwise happy. To note, one of the things I appreciate about working from home is my ability to vent to my husband. I pointed out to him that he talked (complained) about work constantly, and he said he hadnt even realized how much he was doing it until I pointed it out. What can (Anger is a stimulant emotion). Its a skill all of us need to have. I dealt with this with my grandmother. Complaining about work was a form of trauma bonding, and when I realized what a toll it was taking on my mental health (and I was the complainer!) Just remembers it was a very good job with excellent benefits (paid for her Masters degree). I hope that helps a little. If you think that the expectation of vent-absorption is one-sided, maybe the two of you can talk to someone about better patterns of communication. Handling Employee Grievances: Grievance Procedures for Your For my friend all that was left going on in her life was her job. I would console her and counsel here, and tell her not to take her job so personally and she would agree and then never do anything about it and the next day she would be crying down the phone to me again. Sometimes, they may even see you as the only outlet for expressing their emotions and problems at work. The individuals in the relationship need to work out the balance that works for them. I used to be this person. You have been miserable for nine years! 5 Examples of Great Email Replies to Customer Complaints I wasnt in a place financially where I could quit my job (I was taking educational reimbursement, the primary money earner, etc. she can vent about her evening as a Nurse, but we are having coffee and a nice meal together, so it is a less stressful atmosphere. It took a serious toll on my mental health. My guess is that she has no idea if, like me, doesnt mind a good moan when shes on the receiving end too. Take this for future learnings. I empathize with OP because my mom can be the same way sometimes. Quite likely others have mentioned this already. OPs wife needs an outlet at work! If this physical response is triggered repeatedly and constantly, it can bring a host of negative effects on physical and emotional health. I know the feeling of the OP, and Im similarly at a loss about what to do about it. Then when the situation actually presented itself, what she had anticipated didnt happen. But she needs a neutral third party to get to the root of her discontent. Unfortunately this was just a sticking plaster and as his employers became more unreasonable, his stress exploded. Thank you, {{form.email}}, for signing up. Its okay to say I can deal with ten minutes/can we only do this twice a week rather than every day/can you do this particular kind of venting at someone whos not me. That works for a bit, but after hearing similar complaints without much change, it much be hard! Instead of a laundry list of all possible complaints. I said although its normal to have a few complaints, or a bit of a moan after a bad day, lately every day seemed like a bad day and he was complaining about it for hours at a time, every single day. Venting doesnt have to be to another person to be helpful. When they dont complain, brighten up, ask questions, be engaged. I tried gently asking what I could do to support him through his problems and the answer was similar to your wife: I need you to listen, i.e. I really appreciate stuff like this it frees me from wondering if I should be doing something else. 2023 BuzzFeed, Inc. All rights reserved. Like viruses and enthusiasm, negativity is infectious. Like I said, that might not be helpful to you and I dont think you can simply work on your reaction to the complaining without your partner also working on how much she complains! Unless you used monkey123 as a password. They dont need the partner to try to fix things. LW should absolutely set some limits for himself. Because it feels good, requires minimal risk, and it's easy. Harassment | U.S. Equal Employment Opportunity Commission Even better if you can make that something active like a walk outside. Honestly, I think its one of those instinct things. Im afraid Im guilty of this, so its interesting to see from the perspective of the recipient. But the other thing is your wife should respect your boundary. returns. Its a lot to expect any friend or family member to be the sole outlet for stress and frustration. Obviously there are circumstances this would not apply to so easily, but for the majority of the garden variety work annoyances we have to deal with, this is a very sound rule. But, before actually going in to make your complaint, Van Court suggests taking a moment to consider what you want to happen. Ive also let him know that financially we can swing it for a few months if he quits his job without anything else lined up.