People often will not work unless forced to do so. Struggling with horrible guilt after filing for divorce? If his wife hasnt worked in that long of a period of time and has major health issues, shes unlikely to be able to bring in any significant income for herself. In the lightning-fast pace of the day, this might be the first time Ive taken a deep breath. Now im healthier, happier and with someone who loves me for me, not because of some sense of duty. Im really not happy with all of the commenters telling you to MOA from your wife because, well, disabled women are 6 times more likely to have a spouse leave them then disabled men are. In Him I live and move and have my being. unfortunately some marriages fall apart. Part of me thinks its a powerful lesson for children to see their father stand by their mother even though she is weak and ill. If anything I applaud you for sticking around for as long as you have. You were not snooping. And my mom was simply trying to make as little conflict as possible, but the message she sent was, When someone throws a fit, its the other persons job to fix it. And so I ended up in relationships where I felt temper tantrums were acceptable and something that I should accommodate, and my brother learned if you yell loud enough people will excuse your crappy behavior. You dont think youll do that, maybe, but when people are desperate for affection they wont get from their spouse, they are the most vulnerable to make the worst mistakes. To The Man Feeling Too Guilty to Leave - The Good Men Project I feel so sad for you. Refuse to fetch and carry. We would like to show you a description here but the site won't allow us. Did he care? It was a hassle, but I we caught the next flight out, and returned home. He mentioned almost having their house foreclosed, so Im not sure how theyd be able to afford all this counseling and other help that youve mentioned. I hope for nothing but the best for you and your family. Maybe because I've always put others first, me last. And if that turns out to be impossible then console yourself with the fact that you tried your best. They are both extremely optimistic and, most importantly, treat their husbands with respect. Marriage is so clearly no longer about til death do us part I guess. AND, I think the kids should see a therapist to detmine a) if they are struggling at all in the situation and b) to give them tools to deal with it if they ARE struggling. Wow. Have you told her you are completely at your wits end and are seriously considering divorce? They talk about being lonely, or about how much falls on them. No one wants to think about the worse case scenarios when saying I do, but these are likely things that can happen to anyone. And wont ever get myself into such a big mess. The kids ARE being caught in the crossfire the husband has to call and remind his wife to get out of bed before their (Im guessing) 5-year-old gets home. And as the months have gone by, they havent complained about our new living arrangement. Yes Barbri, technically I was enrolled, but their plan? I left my wife last night and feel so guity | Talk About Marriage They are both young and are hopeful that the pain will one day go away, that doctors will one day be able to figure it out and for now it seems that the good stuff outweighs the bad. Oh and I also kind of thought it was an unspoken word around here that we were supposed to take the LWs at their words, and give advice from there. You are the one who is going to live with that decision. This may be totally ignorant of me, so forgive me in advance, but is chiropractic something you can do and/or something youve tried? For all we know, the mother is just a pain to the LW and the kids love her. My wife of 13 years told me she needed space. I dont know. **To ward off some readers consternation, I dont cheat.**. You need to take the opportunity you are being offered to come to a decision. maybe theyll attend counseling and things will get better. The effect of growing up with parents like this really depends on the child(ren) and their personality. I find it fairly ridiculous that you would immediately assume that all sick women must be pushing their husbands away. But I still wasnt happy. We were happy, and she was genuinely having fun and it seemed like I had the old her back. What did I learn from it? You know, sickness & health, good & bad, etc. This Is What No One Tells You About Leaving Your Marriage - HuffPost Yep CA. You are probably unaware that only 5% of marriages where the female spouse is sick last, vs. most with male spouses. The answer to those questions for my family was no and that is what made my father leave and fight for custody of the kids. Did you read the part where the kindergarten kind goes home to a mother who cant be bothered to be awake for him, every day? Of course he didn't want you to leave! With the discs the way they are, and the nerve damage, an adjustment to realign my spine cant fix things. For some, they feel "stuck", for better or worse. Ive had a permanent dull headache since my car accident that sometimes flares up into monster migraines. Deep-diving into what was wrong meant I stopped holding back when I spoke to my husband. You have an obligation to try as hard as you can, but when youve exhausted ALL options, then you can MOA. One of my best friends told me that she knew from a young age that her parents didnt love each other, but they are still together. 7 Ways to Deal with (and Overcome) Divorce Guilt I dunno, when was marriage every really about til death do us part? Personally, Ive always thought that is a romanticized vision of marriage that isnt based in historical fact. People do have to be willing to renegotiate through lifes changes. My ex was controlling and I often felt browbeaten into doing things I didnt want to. And when the lease ended, my husband moved out of our home and into a new house a few miles away. My mom worked at the same school from 1 to 5 so she would take us back home at 5 and then leave to work again, so many time we were alone at home until 8 or 9pm. Maybe it would have caused more lasting harm, but maybe it would have been better for them. The time before that was sometime in June/July of 2010. To me the issues of sex, her unemployment and the issues of chores all seem to be part of a huge breakdown in communication. Im not even convinced that the LW has truly tried to do that more than likely, hes unhappy with the marriage that he has, but its because hes not tried to change anything about it and just let it happen to him. Maybe its just the wake-up call she needs. By rejecting non-essential cookies, Reddit may still use certain cookies to ensure the proper functionality of our platform. Looking back, it would have been good to get counselling to help me cope with the separation. She isnt doing her half, or even her third or quarter, based on the letter. He also didnt say one good thing about her in the entire letter, what she adds to his life so yes perhaps they should get divorced. This marriage is toxichealth problems or not. Men are so much better at taking care of themselves and doing what makes them happy than women are. Pay attention: the person in your life at any time should be your focus. Do I swear at anyone who comes across my path? Hed come to the conclusion that he was somehow fundamentally unloveable. And the truth is that I would be more gentle, more forgiving, with just about anyone else. So do whatever you can to solidify and prove that youre the right parent for the job Document as much as you can. Posts: 2,366. And even though my husband and I were fighting more than ever, each of us suffering as a result, going our own ways felt impossible. I believe were all better off in the long run, but I often cant get through the day without feeling bad that what broke my family was me needing something different. Bangkok, Thailand CNN . Your world was just turned upside down. Once in a nursing home, our pain is often . What we do do, though, is talk about things when they come up and hash stuff out. She might think youre perfectly fine with the arrangement because you havent tried hard enough to make her understand how you feel. She's cheating and you're feeling guilty because you invated her privacy? I just dont understand why people bring kids into unstable marriagesbut they have and always will I guess. Yes, it will be ugly at first, but anytime there is a change in the status quo things are uncomfortable. The older brother and I have vastly different opinions on our upbringing, mine more of a what else could they do? and his is a why didnt they do more?, Oh Regina, youre always defending the male LWs. Telling the kids was crushing. Off the top of my head I can think of two women in their 40s/50s with serious health issues one with MS and one with lupus who are incredibe mothers and wives. I definitely agree with you. While I do love the idea of marriage, the idea of finding someone you want to spend the rest of your life with and actually accomplishing that is magical; Ive read far too much history to buy into the current ideals of marriage, it was a commodity for far too long. This whole situation is terrible for everyone involved, and it could have been completely preventable. Am I the only one wondering why you had children in the first place. I refuse to fuse my neck. Friends gave me phone numbers for couples therapists, and we saw them. Your wife should have gladly handed her phone, tablet, etc. Leaving An Alcoholic-Feeling fear, guilt and confident You can also learn how they are proceeding with the process of accepting and letting go. Yeah, your spidey sense is telling you that the woman is being blamed, so surely there must be some good excuse we have not heard of. I was wondering how Dude and Confused was doing and if he would have any advice for someone going through something similar. Ive recently started working with one, and though I dont have a degenerative disease, Ive already seen some big differences in my overall health. It sounds as if neither you or your wife even want to be in the same room together not because of intense hatred or anything, but because its become a Who is this person? thing (does that make sense at all..?) Lastly, like someone else mentioned, he needs to find a way to remember why there was a spark in the first place and do everything he can to get it back. Were both in our mid-twenties. Also, divorce was created long, long before our time. Like an emotionless scary individual. Im not surprised that you feel strained, as you are basically pulling the weight of both parents in your family. Your two older kids probably feel as though they have to ignore a lot of pent up fear and frustration and/or take responsibilities they shouldnt have to. Would you mind heating me up some soup? Its a lot more bearable at 40, to say, well, I can deal with this persons shit for another 10 years, I guess. That includes some chores, taking care of kids, and yeah, having sex with her husband. Showing love and appreciation and commitment is what will get a couple though the hard parts of a marriage. Its not that were more likely to believe that men are assholes, its that, more often than not, they are. Re: I left my Husband, the guilt is killing me, help. Im usually all for getting the parents needs met, but in this instance, Im putting the kids first. It takes A LOT of work to keep a relationship going, and when something isnt right, its incumbant upon each person to bring up issues as soon as its a problem to try to fix it. Sir Paul Coleridge, a former high court judge, has said that many people wish they hadnt ended their marriage. I stayed in bed and did nothing but cry for months and months. Now you need to take some time to yourself to at least put this marriage to rest and behind you. Because up until that point, I didnt really entirely believe that such a thing existed. What if we couldve made it work? Ive even tried to get her to go to therapy, but no dice (you cant help the unwilling). She doesnt understand finances and for a long time she wouldnt even discuss them. You did nothing wrong. People grow apart and sometimes no amount of counseling can repair that. Using the group to talk about your experience give others a chance to let you know that you are not alone. The only surprise I received when I pulled into the driveway was seeing a Ford SUV in my garage, and finding not one, but TWO men in my bed. A few years later after she died, he went to college and my other brother and I were caring for ourselves after school until my dad came home from work. I was like a walking zombie. But by far, the biggest hurdle Ive had to face is how it makes me feel to know I was the one who left my marriage, the one who gave up, who called it quits, who knew I was ready to move on. Im not suggesting that once a person is unhappy, they just walk away. he always buys expensive foods, when we go to visit on weekends its always take out instead of home-made which would be cheaper, etc. I knew I couldnt sacrifice my mental health any longer. Now he's with someone who makes him happier than I ever could have. Is she even capable of living on her own? I ask someone else to drive if Im too medicated to do so. I know things have changed, but a couple of hours by themselves is really ok. I forgave her. If you were the one who left did you feel bad? He felt he was getting older and wanted to settle down. My husband came by a half hour late, I wasnt there, my boss told him I had clocked out, he panicked. For more information, please see our Trust me, I know what Im talking about. The truth is that I would be more gentle, more forgiving, with just about anyone else.. I know its hard with finances being the way they are but family/couple and individual counseling might be in order. Do you show any affection for each other at all? The wife needs this, too. Im surprised to read a letter like this and then hear that you think we will all think badly of you. I was not completely blindsided by his decision as we had discussed on two separate occasions my inability to be more accepting of his love and to allow myself, Read More Is There Any Hope To Get My Boyfriend Back?Continue. i think in general societys view of marriage as disposable is very sad. BOTH people have to be giving their all. (Not the snarky tone though). I could hear the men upstairs leaving, and when I returned upstairs, it was my wife sitting there, clothed, with a sad smile on her face. My mom even told my dad she was cheating on him so that he would get jealous, but he didnt which made her hate him even more. We stopped using birth control in January and now we are in July and still dont have that positive test. MOA!!! I agree there are different ways to go about asking for help. Be honest but clear about what you need out of a marriage. I was one of those kids that HATED extracurriculars thoughdidnt care for them until I started swimming in middle school. Not that there is anything inherently wrong about the romantic ideal of everlasting love, but it completely ignores the fundamental reality of relationships: They are a lot of damned work and there is no happily ever after. Obviously, this will have to grow and evolve as our lives change, but the point is that we are both respectful of each others routines and needs. I dont feel like it was, but I of course allow that it could be possible. I don't know if I have much advice for you. Finances/Chores: I am tired of being the only person working in the house. My job made me happy and I was good at it, and the stability was great. I also wanted to point out at this point, think about the children and their lives. 2) Responsibility for a criminal or moral offence deserving punishment or a penalty. You dont deserve to be an emotional punching bag until she dies. And I know that the more firmly I ground myself in this new life, the more that waves of confidence in that will come. Share your stories in the comments do you regret your marriage ending or did you learn a great deal from it? Sounds interesting. Things might change for a bit, but in the end, it always comes back. All your comments make a lot of sense. BOTH people have to be committed to til death do us part, and even then it doesnt always work. I wondered if it would be too devastating for my kids, who are now 4 and 9. Good luck. Still, I feel content. My husband wouldnt have gone through all of the struggles he has dealt with over the past year. This LW struck me as just vying for a ton of sympathy and permission to leave. BBC suspends presenter following sexual misconduct allegations And work on it right away, before you chase away the best thing that ever happened to you. Im sorry to hear that . I would never tell someone to stay for their partner, or even for their kids. How long is he supposed to try for? This clearly isnt the case for the LW, so I did wonder how the decision to have kids with this woman felt like the right one. Itll probably be difficult to be discreet, but you have got to do all you can to ensure that when/if you leave, you dont have to leave the kids behind. I have definitely learned a lot from them about how NOT to be in a relationship, and I am very capable of having loving and functional friendships and romances today. Since September, Ive been having a NSA/ very casual relationship with a guy I met online. Making the decision to leave an alcoholic is one that is filled with many emotions. This really sounds like an unhealthy environment for the kids, and definitely sounds like the LW should have primary custody. After working, plodding on the treadmill, picking up the kids, fixing dinner, giving baths and reading books, I'm spent. _jsw_, as I mentioned below, the relationship the rest of my family had with my dad growing up was strained, to say the least. Like I know I will leave the last day and have a nervous breakdown. You said that you would rather give in to her demands then face a confrontation, and with that kind of attitude you will never be happy in your marriage. So I guess people dont believe that a woman wouldnt neglect her kids or husband unless she was soooo disabled she had to, but I can see it happening. And I mean I am NOT a morning person, however I have never yelled at my husband (I mean ok, maybe weve both had a discussion in the morning but not me yelling at him!) Whereas if the relationship was built out of convenience or ambivalence, there is nothing to get back TO. But admitting the truth to myself, let alone to family, was painful. The few times my mom was home sick when I was in middle school and even when I was in high school were way more stressful than just coming home by myself. Haha Ive actually heard this statistic (although I thought it was 5 times more likely) and as soon as I read this letter I was reminded of it. Scan this QR code to download the app now. Many people never get even one real chance at love in this life, and you have been blessed with a second one, and make no mistake about it, it is a true, real blessing. Even adult children who care for the elderly parents get burnt out, and need time for themselves. I left my Husband, the guilt is killing me, help Sometimes it worked, sometimes it didnt, but either way my family was held hostage to my dads moods. At one point that was the last straw for me and I considered leaving her. You have discussed with her repeatedly what you NEED and you are getting nothing. Published Jul 6, 2023. We listen to guilt instead of our hearts. Expand. Look under the hood, and take a behind the scenes look at how longform journalism is made. All rights reserved. If you have undergone something similar, I'd love to chat. Does 4th of July Video Show Hunter Biden Sniffing Cocaine at White Subscribe to Must Reads. The Lover I Left My Marriage For Left Me - Marriage Helper He was late for the umpteenth time. it wasnt supposed to have been up so early. (I learnt this part quite recently, and it shocked me quite a bit). Pulling the covers around my neck, I snuggle into bed and feel my whole body melt. This lady just sounds like a jerk. I agree. UK tabloid The Sun first reported Friday that a woman had accused an unnamed male BBC presenter of . People get complacent over time. Letters like this make me glad that I am single. And even then, I agreed that he was right to consider divorce and merely wondered what the wifes story would be. It hurt like hell that despite the fact that he knew i was sick he used it as an excuse to bail, but when Im being 100% honest the situation wasnt fair to him or to me. I sat her down, and asked her what was going on. However, she did that to herself. My parents would be so proud. Some of it might be creating romance. Knowing that the end of my marriage was my choice feels like a weight so heavy that I might never know how to put it down. I havent been on track with where I felt I should be since I first started studying two months ago. But even inside the house things took different amounts of time. You say you've found lovedon't let him take that away from you too! they know what is going on. Im not horribly obsessed with sex; I knew that with her health problems sex would be less then many of the people we knew. Your wife needs to be open to working on her anger issues, because obviously she has them in spades and I think they mostly extend from frustration with her body (though Im coming from this from my own perspective; of course it could be different for her). even if the parents cant live together anymore. Maybe expectations were not talked about before the marriage, or somewhere into it but I doubt there has been effective communication in this relationship for a while. You sound emotionally exhausted. How to get over the guilt of leaving my ex - Netmums She was in a really bad place mentally, physically, and emotionally for most of my childhood and Im still trying to deal with the strain and emotional damage I incurred.. The most helpful emails in health Get hand-picked resources and highlights from our Mighty community straight to your inbox. The guilt hurts so darn bad it can ruin everything good trying to happen to us. She gave me the cold shoulder, and when I questioned her about the yoga locations, she accused me of stalking, invading privacy, and being a "grade-A dick.". I dont know. I love the ideas she brought up. Unfortunately, guilt is a part of caregiving, particularly when you have to make a decision that you know is against the wishes of your loved one. Being consistently angry is actually very toxic for your body, so her constant negativity is actually probably doing worse things to her illnesses (and may explain why shes constantly sick on top of all her chronic conditions but it also may be because she obviously never exercises or gets much fresh air). Have you talked to her about the possibility that she may be depressed and need medication to treat said depression? I started to take a hard look at my life. He started driving home, and found me along the way. Therere no temper tantrums, mood swings,, Read More Morning Quickies: Menopause Is Affecting My Girlfriends LibidoContinue, My husband and I have been married for almost six years, and together for 10. And unfortunately I also learnt to shout when I am angry, so when ever I have a fight with my mom, or my brothers I shout, and then I get shouted at and it sucks cause everyone is just shouting at each other. If you study the history of chiropractic medicine, this is the theory on which it is built. Your comment interests me because men are 6 times more likely to leave an ill spouse than women are. It takes me about 30 minutes of sitting in bed to actually get out of bed. I felt pent-up, irritable and borderline depressed. I was wrong." To put it simply, remorse says, " Forgive me for hurting you," while guilt or regret says, "Stop making me feel . The very best marriage advice I ever got was from a co-worker, married 30 years. I understand that your wife has health issues but thats no excuse to blatently neglect all responsibility and treat her husband like crap. Time. Maybe thats all the energy she can muster. Her numerous ailments require her to take 26 pills every day. Thats pretty sexist, actually. I savored the intensities of my deep passions with my lover. Side note: I am a HORRIBLY grumpy person for the first half hour to 45 minutes of waking up. At the same time I grew up in a home where screaming between my parents happened every single day, and I hated it. When we moved from an apartment to our first house we had four times the space so it required more time to clean and it had over an acre of grass that needed mowing and we had a baby a few months after moving and babies require lots of time and effort. And now as an adult, it pains her to see her mother in the situation that she is in. The kids see their mom sent away to a home, they can visit on the weekends? "I Feel Guilty For Wanting to Leave My Sick Wife" - Dear Wendy Once you start working your plan you will see that the fear will fade into the distance. More than anything else, I think this kind of example will be useful in stating your case for full custody. We always say on here actions speak louder than words. Feeling Too Guilty to Leave Your Relationship? | Your Brilliance Wedding vows arent carte blanch to make someone elses life miserable both of you have to be invested in your relationship for a marriage to survive. Have you stopped enabling her and forced her to be more independent and to adapt to your (and your kids!) special july new month prophetic prayers and declarations || nsppd || 3rd july 2023 If Id kept my mouth shut, found a way to be content in my life as it was, no one else would have suffered. Honestly, to me the wife just sounds lazy. I was traded in for a younger model, so I had no choice about getting divorced, but I regret what happened every day in every way. It was my decision to leave, I hadn't been happy for a while and knew I didn't love him.