We have three main problems right now. Raising children was hard enough (mine are in their 30's ) You have to concentrate on your own and not have to also raise the neighbors kids , My house ,My rules, No exceptions ! Neighbors are nice - but bad influence - how to handle? - DCUM Weblog The Great Resignation is Over - The New York Times We tell them, "If you can't lead, then follow someone who is making good choices." If our child was being negatively influenced we would: 1) Limit the amount of time he is exposed to the bad influence. As a wise friend once told me, They cant unhear it. Motivators might sound like this: Motivate your kids with words that empower them to be themselves, not imitators of someone else. It seems to me that the best thing for this girl is for her to be taken away from her family. A study showed that children who were forced out of public housing went on to have annual earnings that were 16. Yesterday she ran out into the street after a toy and was lucky a car was able to stop without hitting her. My son pointed at the boys dad, and the 4 year old yelled, You dummy! at my son. Having more affluent neighbors can help inspire more positive norms among residents, but not as much as "bad influences" can undermine posi-tive norms. Whenever their kids are outside, the parents yell. To be honest, I wish that my parents cared enough about me to write into an advice column. But I think this might be a case of looking at your own kid with rose colored glasses. Growing Up in a Bad Neighborhood Does More Harm Than We Thought I am lucky enough to really enjoy my neighborhood and my neighbors. Can you talk to someone in the management office to see who he belongs to? She will not be harmed if you lose your mind yelling at her in an objectively dangerous situation. These demolitions were effectively a lottery, because they led to the dislocation of some families those whose buildings were demolished but not those whose buildings were left standing. Please keep me posted. "You can't make me" and "You're not the boss of me" are common replies to disciplinary attempts, and he's destroyed some of our property and stolen some of my son's toys. In this article, we answer a series of . Besides being excessively aggressive, hes manipulative as well. I cant stand him. But I am concerned, and I am glad you know that he needs evaluation and also to be supervised constantly around your daughter. Honestly, I've never liked the idea of doing this unless I had an e. 3) Withdraw my child from the situation if it became severe enough. How to be a good neighbor : Life Kit : NPR I think I will talk to the manager and see if they know who his parents are and tell them to start supervising this child, both because he's getting on my nerves and his reckless behavior does really make me anxious. You go home right now. The boy then rolled his eyes, stomped over to his yard, and kicked his 11 week old puppy in the head. I think he hasn't been raised or taught manners properly, or really had any good constructive parental guidance, and it seems like his parents really just don't care about him at all and/or let him do whatever he wants. Less clear is the effect of stronger social net- Neighborhood Kids, Neighborhood Boundaries | Alpha Mom Only a quarter of the families that were eligible for the lottery actually applied for it, and Mr. Chyn says the applicants were particularly motivated to protect their children from the negative effects of a bad neighborhood. Realistically, you don't know this kid's situation. Most small children have an imaginary playmate of some sort, with eldest siblings and only children being most likely to dream up such a companion. I feel for this little girl. But it has been much harder to disentangle whether these neighborhoods cause the later disadvantage, or whether the hardships that lead families to bad neighborhoods are the problem. We have a large yard and put in a playground for him. Do you think hes your friend?, our son cant help but think of him as a friend or even as an older boy to look up to. The complex would be the first target for the absentee parents to sue. I was shocked to find hes been soliciting nude photos and videos from teenage boys. 6 or 7 is too young IMO to be left unsupervised especially alone. I dont mean that he ignores you in the way that kids do. Also, if we try to pick her up and move her, she will hit and kick, which she is not allowed to do and which hurts, if she manages to do it. These things were all issues before we were stuck at home, but being in school made the daytime more manageable. . Theyre very young and unparented, and maybe if I were a better person Id step up and try to be a role model for them, but I have three kids of my own (including a baby) and a full-time job, and I have neither the energy nor the inclination to take these two under my wing, especially after the pornography incident. But do not allow this nipple grabbing to happen for even one more day. Do what you need to do to keep them safe and raise them right. In-depth interviews by Jeffrey R. Kling, now with the Congressional Budget Office, and Jeffrey B. Liebman and Mr. Katz of Harvard revealed that these families organized their entire lives around protecting their sons and daughters from the genuine dangers of ghetto life. These mothers were intensely focused on their children, and as a result younger children in particular were seldom allowed outside of the apartment, and never beyond the mothers watchful gaze.. I encourage you to find (as though its simple!) With one big swipe, they went flying off the tray. That is why we dont allow them in our house (and we dont ever allow our kids in their house). We have an independent, curious, strong-willed 3-year-old. Our 2-year-old daughter watched intently as her older sister frowned at the peas on her dinner plate, pushing them around until they fell off the edge while mumbling, I dont like peas. From her highchair, the 2-year-old looked down at her own pile of peas and imitated her sisterswoosh! Care and Feeding Our Son's Next-Door Friend Is an Aggressive, Manipulative Trickster He keeps leading our child into trouble, and yet he adores him. 0:03. I don't know what you can do about it because your DD needs a friend, and this neighbor child is has no boundaries and no structure. Those poor little babies. We feel stuck. I told her mother about the incident immediately, but she seemed to think I was lying and implied that my son pulled up the video, even though we saw her do it. We used to have kids come over because their parents were on drugs so they could not think straight to care for there child. It is great to care for others, but your own family must be your first priority. But its just not true. Take away the toy shes throwing a fit about. Before I start this story know that I am not one to point fingers or be truly hateful towards anyone. Especially in this artificial pressure cooker we are all existing in. Residents outside their apartments at the Robert Taylor Homes in Chicago in 1980. They play together all the time. If we take one step forward, she falls to the ground and starts to scream and cry. Your assumption that he's naturally bad and too much to handle so his parents dump him there, rather than his poor behavior being a symptom of neglect and lack of guidance, is troubling. We simply dont have the time to be constantly supervising them. However, if it gets bad enough that youre asking the question, my guess is that it is bad enough that youll want to do something about it. Lastly, where/when appropriate, I try to talk to and teach my daughter about different behaviors and situations, and what is appropriate and what is not, with the hopes she may recognize some of these "traits" on her own that we may feel are not good influences. This is less than ideal. Sometimes, I just want her to stop sticking the metaphorical fork in the metaphorical toaster without hearing her reasoning on why its necessary. And I believe you are (you fill in the resthonest, trustworthy, kind, etc)., Listen to that small voice inside you; it will give you a nudge in the right direction if you listen., A good friend will like you for just being you.. This is an interesting question as it hits close to home and I am actually interested in hearing how others deal with this Not necessarily for a neighbors child, but a child at school. Your son needs to hear you love him but not his behaviors, and I truly, truly hope that some professional assistance and drawing firm boundaries around acceptable conduct will help redirect what is still a very, very young child in a very difficult societal situation. My son brings her up pretty frequently, often to connect himself to the subject of conversations (i.e., Oh, Olivia and I did that last week) though he doesnt usually act like shes physically around. So, in light of that, Id put some sort of boundaries on the relationship. The logical answer here would be to just not let your child play with the other child who may be a bad influence. Lottery winners and losers were both tracked over the ensuing years, and an important study last year by the Stanford economist Raj Chetty, with Nathaniel Hendren and Lawrence F. Katz of Harvard a study Ive previously written about found that children who moved when they were young went on to enjoy substantially higher earnings than people of similar ages whose parents lost the lottery. The negative effects of a bad neighborhood may be much larger for low-income families with less motivated parents. Is Your Child's Friend a Bad Influence? | Mom365 All contents Reminding your children of the character youve instilled in them helps them be more aware of and intentional with their words and actions. Having a friend there gave us a chance to prove how cool we were or to receive approval for our acts of deviousness. I would encourage you to see if any form of telemedicine can be employed sooner, but obviously you can only do what your options allow. A little background: The people in front of us (shared drive) are mother(70's) and son. 1997-2023 BabyCenter, LLC, a Ziff Davis company. This is because she may have been invited to go somewhere that I did not think was a safe environment for a child her age or appropriate levels of supervision, etc. A big YAY for your DH!!!! She requires an extra helping of grace and understanding. If its seriously bad behavior like smoking, being disrespectful, or damaging property, Id talk to the parents of the child. No shoes. Of course, when children are involved so many different things can go wrong andcause issues. This important research also contains insights likely to extend beyond housing policy. He is disrespectful and cusses like a sailor. Sign up for our newsletter. During the formative years, behavior that is considered less than stellar is quite a bit different. [Sorry in advance for the length of this post] Okay, so my daughter is three and we live in an apartment community with it's own playground that I take my Pick up the kid, drag her back inside, and tell her she doesnt get to go outside for the rest of the day because she didnt listen to you. On the day his family arrived, we invited their son to play in our backyard so that his parents could focus on moving in. That actually never occurred to me. But it is possible to help them make their own decisions. He says, Oh, its OK, because Olivia was standing next to me. I said that if I cant see Olivia neither can drivers, and he must always be with an adult who is visible to other adults, and he seemed to take that under consideration. This boy is about six or seven, I'd say, and extremely loud, rude, and doesn't play well with the other kids. Thanks for signing up! He also proved to be a rough and aggressive kid with no regard for others belongings. The playground is meant for only residents of our community, and I just assumed he lived here because he's always at the park and running around the community parking lots, but now that you mention it - there's a good chance his parents don't even live here. All rights reserved. Something has to give before one of these children dies. Some tough love from someone who sets and enforces clear, consistent rules and consequences could salvage her life. Unparented is quite a serious charge and if, in fact, that is the case, then you may need to take these issues up with child protective services. The situations gave me a chance to talk to my girls about people who want to be with you verses people who want to be with you because they think they can get something, otherwise known as users, and those people are not a good influence. It's not that I assume he's just "naturally" like that. Our conversation starts today with a tough questionabout your child's choicein friends and how that choice could create rifts between you and your neighbor: "If you found that one of your child's friendsparticularly neighbor's childwas a bad influence, how would you deal with it?". She will still be the same spunky, independent-minded person as an adult, just alive. . Care and Feeding is Slates parenting advice column. Three is the Donald Trump to 2s George W. Bush; both of them are hell, but one of them is certainly cuddlier. The Fora platform includes forum software by XenForo. My mother had to grab him out of the way of a truck backing out. Follow him on Twitter at @justinwolfers. PDF How Neighborhoods Affect Health, Well-being, and Young People's Futures He was hardly ever supervised, just free roaming the neighborhood. But I dont want them in over their heads. I feel for the neighbor's grandchild. but your #1 priority has to be YOUR own kids. It can feel like an uphill battle when they care so much about the opinions of siblings, friends, or YouTube personalities. As long as my girls have a strong foundation and they know Im available to talk, then they should have the good sense to stay away from kids who will lead them astray, God willing. Ugh, My Kids Have Decided That One of Them Is My Favorite, My Stepmother Has a Ridiculous Request for Our Baby Girls Name, manage all your newsletter subscriptions here, this fascinating read from the Globe and Mail points out. At 6-7 he shou, I would call cps personally bc as another pp stated it sounds like neglect at least in terms of supervision. This means that basically all activities the kids do together, even unstructured play, have to be directly supervised as A will either quietly be bullied into giving up what she wants or there will be a fight ending in Ps timeout. do I plan something nice and go along with my plans of proposing to him. Im going to recommend the invaluable tome How to Talk So Kids Will Listen & Listen So Kids Will Talk. report In a bath with A, he will decide that the person in the front of the tub gets the toys, but when A moves to the front, the rules shift so that the person in the back gets the toys. What do you do if your kids are associating with bad kids? This post was contributed by a community member. Scan this QR code to download the app now. The older sister frequently asks my husband if she can spend the night, and we once caught her trying to show our sons (who are 4 and 6) a pornographic video. This is very obvious. is a mouthy little jerk. Kids who don't share, get physically violent when they're mad or don't listen may be examples of so-called . What would you do in a situation like this? It is a difficult situation for sure. From what you describe, these kids could be at great risk of harm, whether they enter the home of a startled, armed homeowner or a pedophile, or are struck by an inattentive motorist. My son is 2.5 and we moved into this house last summer. Before any of you go calling CPS, remember that you've heard ONE HALF of this situation and only second hand. I just hope they make good friend choices. Think of what youd want for your own kids if, God forbid, some sort of tragedy befell your own family, and they were left without competent, attentive parents. I dont want my sons to grow up to be the type of person who views womens bodies as objects for their taking. Echoing the approach that medical researchers take to clinical trials, the lottery randomly assigned a kind of experimental treatment to winners, while the losers served as a control group. I think he may be homeschooled or something. Dont get sucked into hostage negotiations. For example, if our child was around a negative influence at a weekly playdate, I might shorten the playdate from three to one-and-a-half hours. Timeouts are fine. I guess I just want the readers and writers of this column to know that youre doing just fine, at worst. Recently, we were on a walk when he stopped in a driveway and turned around to tell me something. I didnt find him attractive, nor did he remind me of my father or anyone else. Its the worlds oldest natural consequence. They need to learn to hold their ground and not partake in bad behavior because many children (who grow into teenagers, then into adults) will be a bad influence throughout their lives. He stopped immediately and moved on. His 35 yo son did time for attempted murder but now free. So, what we have decided is that we allow theplay datesin small doses and infrequently. Especially considering that 3 is SO MUCH WORSE than 2. Timeouts can benefit all parties involved. This situation has only come up twice in regards to my children. DH is on the right track. In looking back at our own childhoods, we can see that it would be wise to not underestimate the influence of friends. Like I said, I'm going to ask around some more and check with management to see if anyone knows his parents, if not, I'm going to have to get CYS involved. I can not imagine what it would be like if she was outright dangerous as your neighbor sounds. My 4-year-old actually did try to covertly grab my mother-in-laws boobs last time she was visiting. Her #2(50's) son plead guilty to child rape and did time in the big house, now on disability. Yes, I think we all feel badly for that child, but won't you feel worse if your child's life is ruined because of that family? You can also take half an hour out of your day to tell the neighbor kid (politely, firmly) to shove it when you see him suggesting your son toss your cats into the pool. I know people have started to talk about time-INs, which is apparently having exhausting conversations during a time meant to allow everyone to cool down and process their own feelings, but I personally feel this is merely another rod we have fashioned for our own backs. If he doesnt want you to get out the proton pack and make her split, then hell likely adjust and even if he doesnt, I wouldnt worry about him being out-of-touch with reality until he starts bringing Olivia into all of his human interactions or holds on to her after hes turned 5. Id also try to supervise the situation more closely. You can see it in his eyes that hes checking out of conversations. It can feel like an uphill battle when they care so much about the opinions of siblings, friends, or YouTube personalities. If hes only 6 or 7, I can only imagine the complex would want him supervised. Moreover, Mr. Chyn has developed an elegant mathematical model to explore his logic, and it suggests that the effect of giving housing vouchers to a typical public housing resident may be many times larger than the effect on a lottery winner. The pea-flinging incident was pretty funny at the time. I've tried talking to his parents about it, but, while very friendly, they seem to have a "boys will be boys" attitude! The children forced out of public housing went on to have annual earnings that were 16 percent higher than those who remained, and they were 9 percent more likely to be employed. I've asked other neighbors who bring their kids if they know who his parents are, but they don't seem to either. If I ask you to do something, Olivia already did that is an unacceptable answer. When we are talking about your safety, we are not talking about Olivia. I have had to pull my kids away from many kids that were a bad influence. I would absolutely check with CPS about this. What if the child is not bad, but just ornery or rambunctious? All rights reserved. Even though we have discussions with our son about how, The neighbor boy knew you would get in trouble for holding up your middle finger. If this other child is a bad influence and is bringing around other children that are . It was strange. I intend to do the same with him. Bad-influence GIFs - Get the best GIF on GIPHY Im totally fine playing along with Olivias existence, but Im a little concerned that in an emergency he might try to rely on her for help. He had anger issues and always says he was a bad kid growing up. She needs serious help and that home does not sound like a place for any child. I saw (behavior). the most helpful and trustworthy pregnancy and parenting information. Texas boy looking for friends gets help from neighbor, community When kids are young and not able to walk around town on their own, or even drive, parents have a say and a major influence over their children's friends in the form of structured playgroups or . To his credit, when we intervene, he changes his behavior, but only momentarily. I really don't like the neighbor kid. Vent and advice You can manage your newsletter subscriptions Only you can see her, so there isnt any way that she can protect you when youre in danger. Make it clear that homegirl is welcome in your home as long as sheand your sonrespect the rules that youve made for her presence. If my stepmom is carrying her (and visibly tired) and I ask Alice if shes OK with me carrying her instead, the answer is a very emphatic, sobbing no. Our options are give in to her demands or leave her where she is (a parking lot, the garage, the apartment, the car) alone. Your son has some non-age-appropriate issues going on. Dealing With Bad Influences on Kids - 2 Tips for Moms - iMOM Bad Influences - Premeditated Parenting It seems to me like his parents either are hardly around (work constantly or somthing), or they simply don't even bother to raise him right or discipline him for his behaviors. He's constantly provoking the other children, doing reckless things like jumping off the top of the playground and influencing the other kids to do them too. They only have one volume: loud. Speak to her like shes a reasonable person, even when she isnt behaving like one. For a better experience, please enable JavaScript in your browser before proceeding. I was out walking my son in his stroller one day, and this kid followed us a good half mile. The grandmother often takes the 8yo grand-daughter because her father doesn't want to be bothered and the child's mother (mom and dad never married and not together) is 35 and a drug addict on a full welfare boat and section 8 housing. The Bible says it straight out, Do not be misled: Bad company corrupts good character (1 Corinthians 15:33). A bad influenceneighbor's kid | Homesteading Forum You can call it consequences or you can call it punishment, but no one gets through these years without it. By Nicole Cliffe April 24,. For instance, if she wants my dad and I to wait by the door while she rides her scooter to the elevator, we have to stay there. But they just march on over like they own the place. If I still felt that my child was being negatively impacted, I might quit going to the playdate altogether. Look: You dont have to explain everything. It is because of this we feel like if we continue to try to steer her away from this friendship, she will be driven towards it. Slate is published by The Slate The views expressed in this post are the author's own. Do I just continue to wait around for him to propose, or do I plan something nice and go along with my plans of proposing to him? But, the Kid does sound harmful to your lifestyle and Family. If she acts a dangerous fool, she has to re-earn your trust before she can do the preferred activity again. We also found that it is a hard message to send to your child. How do you help your child to make wise choices in the midst of bad influences? Your DD does NOT need a friend so desparately that it would be that girl. First is that for meals, if he doesnt get exactly what he wants, he just wont eat, and we spend mealtimes fighting. It really comes down to doing two things. Sadly, from what you've shared, she isn't going to get that at her house or at grandma's house. I breastfed both of my sons until they self-weaned at around a year and a half old, and as I am currently pregnant with my third little boy. I am very glad to hear youre planning on having him evaluated when that becomes possible, as he could just be a really aggravating 5-year-old or he could have a conduct disorder, and I have to admit these behaviors and checking out are throwing up some red flags for me. Is there an illness or addiction issue that the mother is dealing with? You are the only one who can accurately assess the impact on your child. Are his parents taking care of him at all? I have two bright, energetic, and engaged kids. At this point, if I can't figure out who his parents are and management can't do anything either, that I might be forced to call child services just based on the fact this kid is there most of the day unsupervised and acts so recklessly to himself and other children. The neighbors moved in last winter, and over the summer they became playmates and seem to get along just great. Sometimes what I take for granted as good social norms is not the same in other households. His eyes and face go blank, and when I ask him to repeat what I say, he has no idea. My husband feels that this is an opportunity for you to teach your son that the world will present him with many people who do not will his good, who are manipulative and nasty and unpleasant, and that learning this lesson now and working through it with him will stand him in good stead as he goes through school and then life in general. Over all, being kicked out of public housing might add about $45,000 to each childs lifetime earnings. That creativity and imagination is likely at hand when your son claims that Olivia has his back when hes not been mindful of his surroundings, or when he explains that she already washed and dressed him for bed.