She stepped out of our marriage for 4 months, and she realized that that it was all her fault and she felt she had to make sure that my feeling of hurt and pain had to be fixed first in order for us to heal. Not that I wanted to hurt my husband but it ended something I couldnt do myself. He has a list of Pet Peeves and a list of what he wants out of a relationship. Guys are more able to separate out the fact that they getting some need met, and they dont necessarily think of that as love, and they almost NEVER want to leave their wife and be with the affair partner. I will admit that I do have anger towards her, as she admits she pursued him relentlessly over a long period of time. Cheating is often perceived as something that happens on a whim: adulterers are swept off their feet by charming, irresistible types or end up in a stranger's bed after a drunken night out.. She is very materialistic. I digress. Post d-day I would tell him I should send her a thank you note for being a skank because thats what ended the EA. | Exploring the Science Behind Abdominal Tension, Who Is the Mother of My Husband or Wife? Giz, trust me it has nothing to do with weight. She is in it for herself, calm calculated and collected. There have been attempts at Trying to break my h and I apart several times over the years but my h kept strong, until his midlife crisis, they struck him when he was low and tried him when he was vulnerable and it almost worked. Exactly, my h ow family celebrated an engagement party for them. They also lack the ability to support themselves financially. To use your phrase, it could have been any other roach that crawled into the trash can he had made of his life back then. And her beauty and charm is likely all smoke and mirrors. Omg. How could he choose THAT? I grew to hate that thing. Im just relieved that they are overseas and not here. We have to keep reinforcing, its not us, its them that are broken or stupid or both. Ive never known my husband to really be STUPID at least until the affair. Yep. This short guide tells you what you need to know to survive the affair, heal yourself and emerge on the other side a stronger person. These problems can be emotional, psychological, or even physical. I felt the same way when comparing myself to the OM. He was a distant father to his children and not devoted to his wife. Met a college boy, got pregnant, had me. Tryinghard. I do think she will end up regretting her choices if she hasnt already. My wife is very self-conscious of the way she looks as well. He apparently looks like my bil. Good point! You wont be single long.. TH the visions of the dominator had me cracking up!!! I so agree that what my husband did, an EA with 2 women, was not a mistake. Someone who is willinging to risk his family for some disgusting excuse of a woman. As I mentioned on this site before, Im lucky that they live in separate cities because they would have met and Im sure they would have had sex, but she says they wouldnt have. It was a family friend. We were pretty comfortable. However, thankfully his parents were so upset with him, they actually for the first time in my married life with him, supported me and not his new romance with the ow. On the other hand, there is nothing that makes the feeling of betrayal easier to take. I thought they had pushed his cousin onto him so I would leave. She got all the compliments for being a good god knows what. The distance between us started to grow and any respect for me vanished. Correct Trying, it is usually a sexual phase, re-connection or re-claiming of each other some partners go through after infidelity is discovered and the CS re-commits to the marriage. After all, this is something we as betrayed spouses NEVER forget. Very traumatic. I dont wear make up which he always liked. For me, his EA will always be in my head, my heart. My parents are dead so my husband dealt with no negative consequences. He even texts me if he goes somewhere else. He chose a cousin, someone that smokes like a chimney, has children, has left a 20yr marriage, someone that didnt give a shit that he was married with children, one that was only 1 yr at the time. Life is a bittersweet journey and I wish I knew why some of us seem to be continually put on the rockier path by others choices. Food snob, expensive restaurants when they ate out and spent more on appetizers, desserts and wine than I spend on my entire meal. part 2I was given up for family member adoption at 13 months. Thats all. A lot of their messages would start out innocuous but would evolve into sex talk. I hurt the one man who truly loves me and damaged him forever. If teachers look the other way when they see kids cheat, it encourages them to cheat more. She even had 2 names for his penis!! My h never in his life told anyone that I was terrible, that I wasnt a good wife, he never in his life put me down, until she came into the picture. It can lead to self-doubt and a decrease in self-esteem. I never asked to share my h with another w, i told him if he wanted to share himself he needed to leave. Was afraid to answer the phone anymore. Is actually kind of plain and is older than him (an me!). She wants someone that can buy the expensive things she wants. Anyhow, to this day I still cant understand why he would have chosen that pile of crap. My mother in law and father in law and sis in law all knew about the affair. They tell themselves it must be love or they wouldnt be doing what they are doing. Well now I dont take care of him. It doesn't matter if the narcissist discarded you, or if you were the one to have extracted yourself from their grip, the effects are the same. I dont know, because I dont understand any if it. Personally, it would have been hard for me to move forward without him acknowledging what he did. I have never heard anyone, anywhere utter the phrase My extramarital affair turned out really well for all concerned. Im with you on not giving her anymore of my power. Its so not worth it. He wishes we could forget about it and move on. I imagine my daddy would have beat his ass. The reasons behind why cheaters choose to downgrade can vary from one person to another and depend on various factors, including guilt, fear of getting caught, and an attempt to avoid expectations from others. At least not then anyway. I would hope that this these horrible experiences would make me wiser in some way. He wanted a Viagra pill for his ego and she offered that. I dont speak to my sis in law or her friends. Talk about MIL! Its stupid feeling that way especially now when I look back on it and it is now I feel like that. Little loving gestures. Both of them lack and value or integrity that are the measure of a real person. If they managed to affair up they wouldnt have to cheat theyd just leave for the better person! I dont think the AP was special, just available and had no scruples about sleeping with a married man. And he knows exactly what to say to your wife to make her give him what he wanted and that was to screw YOU over! I doubt she will ever have it as good as she did with me. The website, The Heros Spouse has an interesting article on why a person might affair down. Though this is written in the context of a person experiencing a mid-life crisis, we thought it could possibly offer some further insight. On the plus side, its good to know where people really stand, who can be trusted and who cannot. what a wench!!! Sorry, thats just how I see things now. Ex cheated and downgraded. I don't know why and can't get - Reddit Now, that seems to be ending. Apple Beta FAQ Hah. She never wanted to talk about that stuff with me. Long live the whip cracking MILF! My h was broken too, she had him believe I broke him and that she was saving him from the clutches of his wife. She carefully orchestrated a pregnancy which later resulted in a miscarriage. So, do you still wonder, can a cheater ever change? He was no cognitive giant or a smooth wordsmith. I am trying, sometimes I think I am forcing myself to trust, even though what I really need is my h to help me trust him. If I posted stuff on fb about how I loved my husband he would pop up and demand pictures. Again massive ed problems. Ohh she was also a smoker, and he cant stand the smokers breathe. My grandparents gave my mother so much support that I was sometimes confused as a child as to whose parents they actually were. I agree with some of your comments, but I dont think my wife (CS) had a troubled childhood. He and his obese, cheap and nasty co-worker used me in a variety of ways to fortify their nasty affair. If she did after 18 months they would be trying to be together permanently. She was just there at his work every day, stroking his ego and eatting up every word he said letting him feel like a hero because he was such a good guy and she loved him sooooo much it was literally disgusting! And because of that the wrap of the package is not the indicator, but most importantly the package in itself. Talk about utter stupidity!! Ryan Mac reports on Twitter and Mike Isaac covers Meta. Ok, thank you Trying Hard. What does that say about me? I deleted a lot of blogs I used to read regularly, and I am trying to stop seeing myself as a betrayed spouse. Am I fighting a losing battle because she is his family. However in our case, my wife did everything that TryingHard did She took excellent care of the household, our kids, and me. I can accept that what he did had nothing to do with me and my failings. But after the fog lifted, she says that what they shared wasnt love, more like infatuation. We are on equal footing. YOU SOUND FREAKING AWESOME!!!! My SIL befriended ow as well. She even went so fr as to tell me that she is happy with all the changes I made to keep her son happy!! Learn how your comment data is processed. Ya, guess what, Ive been your daughter in law for 22. What's with the downgrade??? I would have to say it had a lot to do with the previously stated, the things she said were a huge boost for my ego. That is what I call a lifetime of bad Karma for both of them! He chose to keep listening to her. he masterbated more than he had sex. I like to tell my h, how I want to help people, who have been through all the ups and downs of their life like I have, help them through trauma and loss etc. Ive never been one to care what people think of me but after all it is his mother, good or bad. So why am I beating myself up about this? So I woke up one day, truly knowing what it was I was meant to do. I never even saw any real remorse. That is why my husband seems totally focused on rebuilding after he ended his affair, and why two years later we are still being cyber-stalked and bullied. Im so glad you woke up in time and helped save your marriage. One of those stellars of society accused me of emasculating him. However, what was always amusing at the time was that she always drove to collect him from work. Carol, thanks so much for sharing your story. Funny thingOM dumped my ex after I divorced her. Why have cheaters been able to prosper so much in these fields? Rachel, how are things going? My sons tell me their friends call me a MILF which I had to ask what that was and was totally embarrassed when they explained!!! But he was drunk and I was scared. He enjoys her because he has no real responsibility when hes with her & gets to party & have sex. She would never admit anything. Lol. So now he was the only one working and was supporting 3 other people. She wanted what I providedsecurity, familyetc. I totally agree EG! Why do cheaters often cheat down? And then pop goes the affair bubble. Its funny how things like this help define your life, sometimes in a good way, because you become more wiser especially after a huge hurt. Since I found out about the EA, I have been trying to come to terms with the fact that both women he chose were so different from me in every aspect and he definitely affaired down I couldnt decide if it was more hurtful and insulting because they werent hotter and sexier than me (dont get me wrong, Im just a regular middle aged woman who has tried to keep in shape and somewhat attractive). ok and his ironing..ULK Im hopless. The thought of her with another man is devastating to say the least and knowing it went on for over 1 1/2 yearsexcruciating! GROW THE F UP I want to scream at all these people tearing other peoples lives apart. The OM was cheating on his wife as well I told my wife she could go to him, but said that she didnt want him then once the fantasy was over. Now the trick is, how do we not attract any more fools like that, right? Believe me. Protect her name? Situations are different though so maybe you might want to think about your judgements before putting such a broad brushstroke on whom you choose to put your shame judgements. Hello! As far as ANY in laws, relatives, friends, enemies, etc. And guess what she said?! Its sounds so simple doesnt it? Were. While I am glad that I compare more favorably in EVERY category, it also makes me angry that he could stoop that low and would even want to do so. What effect does this affaring down have on your view of your spouses (or your) affair and his/her (your) mindset at the time? And when the reality check comes, it is ugly. Now here is the good news. Sex dropped off to less then 3 times a month from 2-3 times a week and her effort disappeared and she stopped initiating completely. When my father had an affair and left my mother, his parents my mothers in-laws behaved very differently. This is an area he can really see the difference in NOW. What do you feel were the reasons for this? But the OM had said all the things she wanted to her and make her feel good about her body. He was a married man who wasnt even divorced!! Even better, I get sex whenever I want it which is often. Shes nothing special to look at either. I guess I answered this above kind of I just didnt see the allure of the whore I mean, I even went as far to admit that she wasnt UGLY, but she wasnt hot or young or anything like that! Cindy and Tryinghard. The OM is jealous of you because you are successful and hes not. Maybe she rejected the stupid cheating, bastard. thanks, Carol. He has made huge improvements in communication. Made me sick to think of it. Especially my daughter who is very close to my husband. My husband also affaired down.